By Roy Kasten
By Kris Wernowsky
By Chaz Kangas
By Joseph Hess
By Julie Seabaugh
By Mike Appelstein
By Rachel Brodsky
By Kelsey McClure
Right up front: The only reason anyone in the world could possibly care about the BIGdumbFACE is because it is the work of one of the dopes from Limp Bizkit. Fortunately, it's not Fred Durst and his "when date-rapists are thwarted" whining. No, this is the "creative genius" (quote marks provided by the fine folks at Scorn Inc.) of guitarist Wes Borland. If you're white, male, under 16 and angry for reasons you can't articulate, you'd probably give either of your peach-fuzzed nuts for the chance to see Wes do his "play the guitar/stand like a manikin" shtick. But don't tell us -- your parents won't buy you tickets because they think poorly of the Bizkit's loud music and pottymouth lyrics. As a peace offering to all you surly little pishers, here are some cogent arguments that should convince your mom and the current father/stepfather/boyfriend figure to buy your ticket and pony up the dough for a T-shirt:Hey, Mom and (fill in the blank):
1. BIGdumbFACE are, admittedly, sometimes really loud and sometimes funk-goofy in a profane way. However, they are neither as aggressively loud as Coalesce nor as death-metally as Mayhem. Furthermore, they are not as avant-weird as Primus, and they are nowhere near as filthy-joke-funny as Ween. Indeed, the nastiest word they use is "penis" (try not to giggle when you say that; it weakens your case), which is an accepted medical term.
2. Although Duke Lion Fights the Terror seems to have been influenced by the aforementioned bands, BIGdumbFACE is in no way as subversive or entertaining as said bands. In fact, BIGdumbFACE is as safe, toothless and flaccid a version of corporately marketed Extreme as any parent could hope for. It is Mountain Dew ... Lite.
3. If you do not buy me a ticket and a T-shirt and drive me to the show (Trevor's mom is picking up), I will buy albums by the artists mentioned in point No. 1 and really give you something to worry about.