Hatchet Job

The Black Panel proves that rock criticism is a science, not an art

Band: Stare the Infant.
Album: The Stare Sessions
Song: "Was machst du en einer Freizeit?"
This particular item is entered into the demolition derby by an anonymous panelist who had the CD-R forced on her at work by a weaselly band member. Despite the atrocious sound quality and "Surely this must be a joke" looks that furrow every panelist's brow, Stare the Infant goes ungonged. The group is undoubtedly saved by its unbelievably chintzy punk-guitar stylings and sophomoric German lyrics, which elicit horrified shrieks of laughter from Nicole, who is German.
Positive comments: There is none, but having an attractive fraulein giggling and translating, "Eat my shit/I have a big dick," over and over, was the realization of several deep, disturbing fantasies. Thank you, Nicole.
Negative comments: Janice drops mad science, saying, "You know how when you have a really big poo inside of you and you're straining and straining and then that wonderful blissful experience when it finally falls out? Well, Stare the Infant is the battle, and Molly Hatchet is the bliss."
Final score: Stare the Infant, 4; Molly Hatchet's "Turn My Back on Yesterday," 4. There is one silent-death vote, but only because Jamie is actually praying for death at this point. How do four panelists vote for STI? Chalk it up to the Nicole factor.

Band: Black Midnight
Album: Demo
Song: "Shimi Shimi Shmoo"
Emotional lines were drawn in the sand over this trio of pop-rockin' girls from Eureka. Yes, they are adorable. Yes, they are influenced by Hanson. Yes, they are charming, polite and endearing. Would that be enough to win the eight of nine panelists' votes necessary to overcome the sophisticated stupidity of Skarekrauradio? Her Editorship is a fan of the Black Midnight: Would her paycheck-authorizing hand influence the vote? Black Midnight did very well in the balloting -- but not well enough.
Positive comments: René says, "I love them. They're giggleboxes."
Negative feedback: "I have a bias against harmonicas," Andrew begins, only to be cut off with this stinging rebuke from Janice: "Oh, Andrew's part of the boy-band Mafia. And there's one thing boy bands put in their mouths, and it ain't harmonicas."
Final Score: Black Midnight, 5; Molly Hatchet's "Kickstart to Freedom," 2. Art Chantry and Jamie Sheehan share death's sweet, silent embrace.


Conclusions: In a shocking upset, the art-core of Skarekrauradio takes the ribbon with seven of nine possible votes. The all-girl Black Midnight and the all-boy Fifty-50 (average age: 16) share second place with five of nine votes; perhaps they should consider hooking up for a brief tour of the city. Everyone else, good hustle (except for you, Molly Hatchet -- you should just give it up). Please note that the panel can be reconvened at any time, so continue to send in those tapes and CD-Rs.

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