New Bands From Old

Or "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Ignore Audioslave"

Greg Ginn Joins Van Halen: Eddie Van Halen is drinking himself to death for the same reason Brando got fat: no more challenges. There hasn't been a personality strong enough to stand up to him since David Lee Roth wandered off, and so Eddie is a knight without a dragon. Greg Ginn is Eddie's dark reflection: just as talented, just as headstrong and floundering just as much since he removed thorn in his side Henry Rollins (the anti-DLR) from his life. But if Eddie and Greg had each other as foils, the resulting band (Gone Halen?) would be an instrumental juggernaut. Greg and Eddie would drive each other to new heights, trying to vibe one another out of the band and trying to outdo each other's solos. Imagine the breakdown in "Panama" replaced by the cascade of noise from "Three Nights." Fuckin' goosebumps.

Nick Cave Joins 'N Sync:Even the staunchest Nick Cave fan has to admit there was something wrong with Cave's last album. It seems the pressure of writing all the material is getting to Nick, and he is coming dangerously close to parodying himself, what with all the melancholy and maudlin hand-wringing. Maybe Nick should just focus on the singing for a while and let other people do the writing. Imagine Nick taking Justin Timberlake's spot in 'N Sync: The boy band would immediately be taken more seriously, and Cave could learn to enjoy himself. All the disturbed, dark teenage girls (you know, the hot ones) would have a pin-up to call their own, and Cave would finally have a video played on MTV. (Because that's a goal of his? Just go with us on this.) Imagine Carson Daly having to interview a ridiculously coiffed and dolled-up Nick Cave. Live. While Cave is suffering through the worst year of his life. It could only be ruled justifiable homicide on Cave's part. One album and a flashy tour, and Cave could return to his piano refreshed, refocused and revitalized -- and he would never write anything as cheesy as "God Is in the House" again, which is still a better listen than Audioslave.

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