Amish Armada with the Meat

Thursday, May 29; Hi-Pointe

The Amish Armada has issued the following statement:

Dear Citizens of St. Louis. With a little hard work and persistence your city could become a fine representation of all that is really, really "great" with this country. My plan is for you to build another arch exactly like the one you have and attach them, making a giant 'M'. Then paint it urine yellow and rename your city "Clown City." Watch the fun ensue. Have a great day, jerks!
Love,
Living Dead Elijah Damned

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Amish Armada hails from Villeburgston, Pennsylvania, which, as far as we can tell, is located somewhere in Minnesota. Formed by an Amish splinter group that's cast aside the mandate of nonviolence, the Armada is at war with the "English" (as they call non-Amish folk), especially Corporatown, New Jersey: the birthplace of Technojesus. As ridiculous as all this may seem on the surface, a visit to the group's scorn-filled Web site confirms that yes, the Amish jihad is surely upon us. Employing as their primary weapons a scathing lexicon of paranoiac terminology and a sense of absolute loathing for all who would stand in their way, the band members make a horrendous noise with their instruments and have been known to destroy televisions and other technologically offensive devices onstage. Obviously our fair River City is to be the next casualty in their ongoing campaign of cruelty. The Amish Armada must be stopped! And the battlefield is your soul. Now is not the time to sit idly by.

 
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