Red Rocks

Nothing but love for Sammy F***in' Hagar, Melanie Moon and the Blanche; plus, we lay bare our soul (and other less metaphysical parts)

There will come a day, on the eve of Sammy Hagar's 70th birthday, when the Red Rocker will play to a lackluster crowd of under 100 people in a Laughlin, Nevada, lounge. The following day, however, Hagar will sell out UMB Bank Pavillion, playing to 20,000-plus. In St. Louis Hagar is bigger than God.

And seeing as how he's closing his summer tour at UMB on August 23, Unreal felt it would be blasphemic not to drink Hagar's Cabo Wabo tequila during our phone interview while dropping an f-bomb into every line of inquiry. So we fucking did (slurp).

Unreal: The headline on your press release says, "With Sammy Hagar, It's Always Happy Hour." At what time of day do you have your first fucking drink?

Sammy Hagar: I gotta wait until the sun goes down on a workday. Tonight I got a gig [in Houston]. If I wasn't playing tonight, I'd sit by the pool and have one or two cocktails. The reason is, if you start drinking too early -- like in Cabo, people get off the plane, start doing shots, drinking beer. Five or six o'clock in the afternoon they're passed out in the hotel room. Some people don't have brakes on their car, y'know?

Sam, how come you recommend that your tequila be sipped when doing shots is way more fucking rock & roll?

Well, it's really expensive tequila, and it tastes really good. If you can afford to do shots, have at it, man, but I say savor it. You do a shot first always, then you wait awhile and see how you feel. Shot and sip, man -- then you do a Waborita [i.e., a margarita made with Cabo Wabo].

Why do you think you're so fucking huge in St. Louis?

I'm fucking huge everywhere. I'm fucking huge from head to toe. My brain is big, my dick and balls are big. I'm big all over. My belly's gettin' big.

How hard are you going to fucking rock UMB Pavillion on August 23?

St. Louis is one place that I really get up for. I feel an obligation. Don't ask me why any of this -- in my heart and soul and in my head, I cannot take it like another show. Sometimes it doesn't matter where I am: "I've got a show tonight." They have to write on my monitors where I am. When I'm in St. Louis, I know I'm in St. Louis. I redesign my set list for St. Louis.

Compare and contrast San Fran-fucking-cisco's coastline with St. Louis' lovely Mississippi River coast.

Well, now that's a tough comparison because the northern California coastline is one of the most beautiful coastlines in the world. The Mississippi River -- you stand there and look at that motherfucker and you say, yeah, this isn't some little creek down the street.

Given your penchant for booze, have you ever considered co-headlining a tour with Jimmy Fucking Buffett?

Jimmy Fucking Buffett probably doesn't want nothin' to do with me. I respect Jimmy and all, but he's way laid-back. I'm like Jimmy Buffett on crack. I think it'd be the most awesome drinking party on the planet, but he wouldn't wanna go on after I finish. Maybe we play simultaneously. That'd be a fuckin' train wreck.

Why do you suspect fucking David Lee Roth had to cancel his August show in St. Louis?

Y'know, I had nothing to do with it. DLR -- I don't want to slam the guy too bad, but he's been canceling every other show. He ain't doin' so hot. He just fuckin' acted like he was God and closing half the shows [on the 2002 Hagar and Roth co-headlining tour] and we know now that he didn't deserve it. He fucked me. So fuck him. I don't like people who fuck other people. David Lee Roth fucks every person who comes around him. There aren't many people I hold onto that fuckin' thing with, and he's one of 'em.

Have you ever considered riding your mountain bike down the Arch? That'd be fucking extreme, right?

I've never even considered it. I went up in that sonofabitch, and it scared the hell out of me. I tried to pull off a free concert there the night after we do this one, because it's the last night of the tour -- but they won't let me. If they ain't gonna let me play underneath that motherfucker, they ain't gonna let me drive my bike down it.

Moon Manned

In a move destined to disappoint its male viewership, WB television affiliate KPLR-TV (Channel 11) has booted Southern-bred sexpot Melanie Moon from its weeknight anchor desk and brought in veteran Rick Edlund. The former KSDK (Channel 5) and KDNL (Channel 30) talking head had been cooling his heels since the latter station folded up its news tent in late 2001.

"I guess we're not going after the young so much anymore," says KPLR general manager Bill Lanesey, alluding to Mike Seely's December 11, 2002 cover story "Chasing the Young," which made note of the unique teaming of Moon and co-anchor Kathryn Jamboretz. The plan is for Moon to be relegated to field work and the weekend anchor desk.

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