Objectivity aside: You try to steal our baseball team. You nail us for open alcohol during our early-morning treks to your tittie bars. You mock our national monument (a giant paper clip stuck in the ground, huh?). It's on, bro -- Missouri vs. Illinois football, 11 a.m., in the Jones Dome (Broadway at Washington Avenue, $15-$50, 314-241-1888).
Other opportunities to whale on your collegiate rival can be had at the Mizzou Tailgate Party, 9 a.m.-kickoff at America's Center Hall; or the Illini Pep Rally, 9 a.m.-kickoff at Baer Plaza (both located in or near the Dome). For more sportsmanlike information about this event, try the St. Louis Sports Commission at www.stlouissports.org. -- Tom R. Arterburn
The Wistful Toilet Paper of Farewell
While most of us are wondering if the Cardinals' pitching can carry them into the post-season (and if the Rams can find the magic again), a small hardcore group mourns the passing of another great season of minor-league baseball. The River City Rascals blow a goodbye kiss to O'Fallon, Mo. (T.R. Hughes Stadium, Tom Ginnever Avenue, $4-$8, 636-240-BATS) with their usual round of wacky promotions, including the Truman Mortgage $75,000 Target Toss (Friday), the Bite Me Bass Club Shirt-Off-Your-Back Night (Saturday) and the City of O'Fallon Soccer Ball Giveaway (Sunday). The Gateway Grizzlies leave GMC Stadium for the year (I-255 between I-270 and I-64 in Sauget, $5-$8, 618-337-3000) with CR Frank Popcorn Lunchbox Night (Wednesday) and Toilet-Paper-the-Ballpark Night (Thursday). Goodbye, summer. -- Byron Kerman
Advantage of a float trip over a waterpark: You can bring all the beer and Boone's Farm you like. Advantage, waterpark: 30,000 square-foot pools! A half-million gallons of water! Four-hundred-foot slides! Maybe some chick's top will come flying off!
This high-octane aqua fun can be found at Six Flags' Hurricane Harbor in Eureka (I-44 at Six Flags Allenton Road). And with summer winding down, this weekend is your last chance to spot that chick with the wandering top and to catch those killer waves before the only outdoor hijinks to be had is jumping into piles of dead leaves. Hours, directions and pricing info can be obtained at www.sixflags.com or by calling 636-938-4800. -- Rose Martelli