By Jeremy Essig
By Jason Robinson
By Hans Morgenstern
By Joseph Hess
By Peter Gilstrap
By Julia Burch
By Jeremy Essig
By Nathan Smith
The place to begin your Labor Day festivities is Velvet's front room. Although this may seem counterintuitive given the sweltering temperatures, DJ Charlie Chan will warm you up by dishing out some hip-hop funk for your ass. Have one of bartender Karen's chocolate martinis, and you're good to go on to Rue 13. With any luck, house-master Scotty Mac isn't finished and you can catch the end of his set. If not, Hot House Sessions will keep you movin' and groovin'. Drink whatever you want here because the bathrooms are what's happening. Floor-to-ceiling stalls provide ultimate privacy, and an always-helpful attendant makes these Johnnies particularly enjoyable.
Now that your bladder's empty, it's time to head over to Lo. Order up the peach-infused sake, and wait a while before ordering your second -- Japanese booze takes time to kick in. While you're waiting, enjoy the drum & bass sounds of the UK's producer/remixer duo Influx Datum, who should be performing around this time if we've calculated correctly (and assuming you've stuck to our strict schedule).
So the sake's kicked in, and the D&B is starting to make you feel a little speedy. Ready for a change of pace? Head over to Tangerine for a mojito and a little bit of bhangra via DJ Rekha (pictured). If you don't want to jump on the Bollywood bandwagon, keep in mind that you might get a jump on the next perfect hip-hop sample. Once you've had your fill of aural globe-trotting, get your passport stamped at Kobalt. We know you've probably never been there, but that's OK. You've worked hard all year -- let party-boy DJ Skribble do some work for you. Oh, yeah: Unconfirmed reports suggest that some Coyote Ugly-type happenings go down occasionally, so keep an eye out.
That brings this itinerary to a close; follow it or don't, because it doesn't matter -- just as long as you make it down to Washington Avenue. It's gonna be a long, cold winter and spring before the next hot festival.