Wrap the Pimp

We raise our glass to John Goodman, the Cubs (please don't hit us) and the almighty Pimp; plus, not everyone is buying what the Department of Homeland Security is selling

Instead, handlers chose to keep the audience entertained with interactive brain teasers they could weigh in on with their keypads. To wit:

In the event of a nuclear holocaust, do you prefer to be warned via:

A) Television

Tom Carlson

B) Radio

C) Internet

D) None of the above

The forum, which should have been titled "Homeland Security: What Do You Think We Oughta Do?" only got interesting when Sesno somehow got misdirected to a real person with a real question. Naturally Unreal caught up with the guy, a SLU student who's studying secondary education and specializing in social studies, after the show.

Unreal: Were you satisfied with Secretary Ridge's response to your comment that the DHS is simply in the business of creating fear?

Daniel Szyman: He's a politician and he's gotta please a lot of people. He skipped around it just like he did every issue -- it's just what politicians do. I think the more barricades we put up -- like the ones around this building right now -- the more it keeps us reined in. Tonight the psychology department is putting on a lecture about how the government uses fear and how we react to it. And they're not gonna have the barricades up for that.

How did you get in here?

I had to take it upon myself to find people at the university who could get me on the list.

Aha! So there was a list? Thought so!

Yeah. I sent five or six e-mails and finally walked into the office of the Cross-Cultural Advisor for the school, and he got me on the list. And then when I got here, I wasn't on the list, so I had to find someone from Excellence in Government, who walked me in. It's all about having connections.

Speaking of connections, all this talk about impending disaster has made me a little hungry. What do you know about the post-event roundtable luncheon?

Can't help ya.

Goodman for Governor

Native son John Goodman's movie career has hit some bumps recently, with jugfest Coyote Ugly filling up bargain bins and the critically panned Masked and Anonymous headed in the same direction. And get a load of those smarmy new TV ads promoting Blues broadcasts on KTRS. If life imitated art, Dan Connor and Walter Sobchak would be tag-teaming Goodman's ass right about now.

But the St. Louis-born actor's career trajectory is a cannon in comparison to that of politically impotent Missouri governor Bob Holden, who appears to be less re-electable right now than Gray Davis. With next year's election just around the corner, this leads Unreal to an obvious conclusion:

Goodman for Governor!

We're not up-to-date on his politics, but if Goodman's movie roles are any indication, Unreal will vouch for the guy's populist stands on the issues of alcohol, tobacco and firearms. And really nothing says "man of the overweight masses" like Goodman's lovable girth.

Moreover, unlike know-it-all actors turned governors like Ronald Reagan, Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Goodman has extensive experience playing chief executives. He played the acting president on The West Wing, after all, and who could forget his role as the most powerful man in all the U.K. in King Ralph?

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