Rock On and On and On and On

Make Sweet Meat proud in the KSHE 95 March Bandness: Tournament of Rock; plus, give us your juiciest Berger Bite, check out some cranky public art and a Branson Idol hopeful -- and don't pack heat in Dierbergs

If Sammy Hagar gets past Jimi Hendrix in the first round, look for the Red Rocker to coast to the Elite Eight, where he'll probably face off against either Metallica or Pearl Jam. That's in the S region, one of four brackets in the first annual KSHE 95 March Bandness: Tournament of Rock.

The tournament, which runs through March 29, preys on St. Louis' classic-rock obsession by pitting artists against one another in an effort to crown the Most Supremely Rocking Band Ever in the History of the Universe. (Bracket sheets are available at "It's a spin on the NCAA basketball tournament," explains veteran rock jock and KSHE program director Rick Bayless, who organized the tourney. The system's simple: Matchups play out three times daily, at 4, 4:30 and 5 p.m. KSHE plays two songs by each competitor and invites listeners to call in and vote. Despite the dumb name -- and the fact that Bayless didn't take the trouble to seed the bands, which led to first-round matchups such as Hagar-Hendrix and Pink Floyd-Van Halen -- the tourney is making for some interesting office arguments around town. "It's been a hoot," Bayless reports. "People are copying the bracket and doing their own pools."

Several perennial powerhouses made it to the big dance: Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC (upset in the first round last week by Stevie Ray Vaughan), the Stones, Rush, Van Halen, Lynyrd Skynrd, Def Leppard and Judas Priest. Plenty of pretenders, as well: Collective Soul (yeah, right), Foreigner, Puddle of Mudd, Billy Squier (but don't be surprised if he makes it to the Sweet Sixteen) and Montrose.

Stairway to Heaven: Will your favorite KSHE band rock its way to the big dance?
Mark Poutenis
Stairway to Heaven: Will your favorite KSHE band rock its way to the big dance?
A statue's lament: PfuBrub is sad that cars don't stop at crosswalks on Delmar.
A statue's lament: PfuBrub is sad that cars don't stop at crosswalks on Delmar.

Unreal, who has been known to wager a week's pay on a VFW hall mouse race, quickly filled out our bracket while downing the day's first PBR. We've got our office-pool buckage on a Led Zep-Van Halen championship, with Rush and Hagar rounding out the Final Four. But that's just us. "Without a doubt, Pink Floyd will dominate from start to finish," one of our Stag-drinking cronies predicts. "They still tour, they still release albums. Dads who get high to Dark Side beget kids who get high to The Wall. Fathers and sons can watch The Wall while toking up, then finish off the night with that Wizard of Oz/Dark Side trick. No real competition here, Floyd is too strong."

Lost in Translation

This Friday at 10 a.m., in front of the Craft Alliance building on Delmar Boulevard, University City officials will unveil two "colossal sculptures" by German artist Dietrich Klinge. The pieces, six-and-a-half-foot-tall human forms titled "Grosser PfuBrub" and "Polyanthe," are on loan from the Gateway Foundation, a local philanthropic organization that fosters cultural and artistic activities in the Lou. According to U. City public relations manager Monica McFee, the city is hoping to make the temporary installment a permanent one.

Not so fast, bureaucrats: Unreal cornered Herr PfuBrub for a little pre-unveiling Q&A, during which the surly soon-to-be U. City resident issued the following statement:

"Waschen Sie Ihren Esel mit einem Federwisch? Ich. Ich kann nicht duschen, denn ich aus Stein bestehe. Wer schickte mich zu dieser Allee? Ich verstehe dein 'Toasted Ravioli' nicht. Ich bin nur eine enorme deutsche Statue. Sie ist langweilig. Ich starre entlang des 'Schmelzenden Topfes' aller Tag an und es gibt mir hemorrhoids. Mein Esel wird an Kalkstein verriegelt, der an Kleber verriegelt wird. Die Einzelhaft hat nichts auf geklebt werden zum Gehweg in dieser klitzekleiner beschissener Stadt. Am nominalwert hat St. Louis eine französische Assoziation. Aber sehe ich hier keine Franzosen. Noch schlechter ist mein Schwanz lange nicht und steif nicht genug, das lecker Polyanthe durchschneiden. Sie ist bis jetzt von mir hier. In Stuttgart waren wir hautnah. So hautnah. In St. Louis sind wir abgesondert. Ich bin angebohrt. Ich bin einsam. Holen mich mein Agens ab."

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Carry Supporters

Now that the Missouri Supreme Court has opened the door for concealed weapons, many businesses around the state are saying, Mike Myers-style, "Shah!" via signs posted on their front doors.

Unacceptable, according to The Web site, which posts daily listings of gun shows, law enforcement events, shooting matches for women, etc., is calling for a boycott of Missouri businesses that don't allow guns on the premises. They're starting with the enemies-of-liberty at Cosentino's Sun Fresh food stores in Kansas City. But next on the list is Dierbergs.

After that? Banks, including Commerce Bank in St. Louis. Unreal doesn't claim to be a supergenius of the caliber of, say, Jerry Berger, but allowing guns in banks does seem a bit counterintuitive.

Not so, says Zachary Bauer, a St. Louis native who runs from Orlando, Florida, where he studies computer animation and digital media.

"There are at least four instances where concealed-carry permit holders stopped bank robberies," says Bauer, citing one in Salt Lake City in which the Second Amendment utilizer "held the suspect at gunpoint until the police could arrive."

Regardless, Sara Foster, senior vice president at Commerce Bank, won't be allowing gats in her joints anytime soon. "Commerce Bank strives to provide a safe and comfortable environment for its customers and employees, and we feel this is the most appropriate decision for our organization," says Foster.

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