By Jeremy Essig
By Jason Robinson
By Hans Morgenstern
By Joseph Hess
By Peter Gilstrap
By Julia Burch
By Jeremy Essig
By Nathan Smith
No. 1: In the song "Sunset Strip," Courtney sings, "Cruising down the Sunset Strip/I can fly/So high/Tonight." Yep, those lyrics are stinkers. And I'm pretty sure Courtney isn't being ironic. Actually, she paid thousands for Pink's songwriter, the non-blond Linda Perry, to scribble that horseshit down on some loose-leaf. But this is a list of happy thoughts, so I'd like to also add that those lyrics are both simple and concise. Nice work.
No. 2: Portions of the record sound like Heart. Heart kicks ass. Unfortunately, Love's vocals are raspy and whiny, so it kinda ruins it. On "Uncool," she sings, "Every time you move/Every time you breathe/Baby, you're a freak show just like me/I wanna be uncool." (Memo: The person who told you that you're cool was in error.) However, this list is a positive one, so I'd like to take this time to mention that America's Sweetheart has about 3 percent of the greatness of Heart's Dreamboat Annie.
No. 3: The record's cover. I enjoy pornography. I also enjoy cherry-flavored Halls cough drops in large quantities. The cover isn't pornography and there are no cough drops on it, but it makes me think about porno and cough drops. That's a good thing.
Whew. It was challenging to speak nicely about America's Sweetheart. I'm gonna go take a nap. Hold on. Lemme do a really nice, upbeat conclusion: This record is an exceptionally mediocre attempt to grunge up Sheryl Crow-type songwriting, and it has a unique cover that is airbrushed almost enough to be sexy. Hooray for everything!