Where's Florissant?

Some Lou denizens feel dissed by Miss USA (but Unreal still loves her!), a Pattonville student is treated criminally, and an 84-year-old grandma praises the Rams in song; plus, we clock local athletes on our gaydar

Team spokeswoman Molly Higgins tells Unreal that Roed's ditty is under consideration. Meantime, Mama Jean took a break from mounting elk heads on the walls of her southeast Missouri living room to discuss her songwriting debut, Busch Light and the legalization of pot. (To hear a chorus of "Go Rams -- Let's Roll," call 314-754-6411.)

Unreal: Why'd you get Carl Lawson to record "Go Rams -- Let's Roll!" instead of doing it yourself?

Mama Jean: Carl Lawson used to sing with Bob Kuban. Bob used to sing at Rams games, but they didn't renew his contract because Kurt Warner didn't like him. [Higgins says Warner had nothing to do with Kuban's exit.] I don't sing.

Even-odds contender: Julian Tavarez causes blips on Unreal's gaydar.
Even-odds contender: Julian Tavarez causes blips on Unreal's gaydar.

Why not?

Because I'm 84 and I've used my life yelling at my four kids so much that I don't have a voice anymore.

Do you like bratwurst?

Sure, that's why I put brats in my song: [sings] "Buy me a soda and brats as well...."

Why not, "Buy me some Busch Light and brats as well"?

I would have done that, except there certainly are a few bluenoses in this world who wouldn't accept that. Since we're scotch drinkers, I would have even gone further. We're so far from bluenoses. We have a couple drinks every night before dinner, and it didn't take too long for people in this town to say, "Boy, they drink!"

Why do you live in Fredericktown?

We're from Aberdeen, South Dakota. Southern Optometry School in Memphis was Dusty's choice. After he graduated I took a compass and said, "For $220 [in moving costs] we can get up this far." We love this country. It's so different from prairies. We've been in Fredericktown since '57.

If Dusty was rushing Kurt Warner in the pocket, would he sack him?

Oh, hell yes. The eighties, agewise, are not for sissies. Dusty is six-two and 220. He's a big Norwegian. When he went to Northern University in Aberdeen, he was a tight end. Offensive. Off the field, too.

Do you think if everyone drank a modest amount of scotch every night there'd be less binge drinking in the world?

Why, of course. I'm all for it. I want marijuana legalized. What's happened to this world? Hell, I could run it.

The K-Y Derby

In recent months the sporting life has come tantalizingly close to producing major pro sports' first openly gay, active male athlete. First we had Cleveland Indians minor leaguer Kazuhito Tadano admitting that he appeared in a gay porn video while a student at Rikkyo University in Japan. But Tadano dismissed the experience as "a one-time incident" and "a big mistake," asserting: "I'm not gay. I'd like to clear that up right now."

The issue hit home Unreal-ly speaking, with the murder-for-hire travails of Mike Danton. The Blues center and a female acquaintance are charged with plotting to kill Danton's agent, David Frost; federal authorities claim Danton targeted Frost because the latter threatened to tell team management about Danton's "promiscuity and use of alcohol" -- and, more mysteriously, threatened "to leave him."

Though the Frost-Danton relationship may have been more dysfunctional father-son than troubled top-bottom, that didn't stop Unreal from recruiting EXP magazine theater critic/area homosexual Christopher Jackson to handicap a field of possibly local gay pro athletes in honor of this weekend's 130th running of the Kentucky Derby.

Soon-to-be-ex-Ram Kurt Warner is Jackson's morning-line favorite. Below are the odds in this year's crowded field, along with Jackson's commentary.

Jim Edmonds, Cardinals outfielder: 4-1 "He's kind of got bedroom eyes and built-in eyeliner. There's a bit of mystery with that come-hither quality." Bonus points because Edmonds hails from California and once frosted his hair.

Julian Tavarez, Cardinals pitcher: 1-1 The Dominican reliever's an even-odds contender, says Jackson. Two years back Tavarez called San Francisco fans "assholes and faggots" after they booed him, an action that led to a round of sensitivity training mandated by his then-employer, the Chicago Cubs. Jackson likes Tavarez's double hoop earrings and imparts: "The Latino temperament tends to be more versatile. He might be open to experimentation."

So Taguchi, Cardinals outfielder: 20-1 Taguchi likes to cook, but he doesn't make Jackson's blood boil. Still, the odds-maker says, "There's a perkiness in his expression. He seems like a happy boy."

Edgar Renteria, Cardinals shortstop: 5-1 "I think he'd make a nice drag queen," says Jackson of the Colombia-born bachelor. "He looks like he's about to break into a Broadway show tune."

Gorgeous Gary Jackson, South Broadway wrestler: 3-5 The leather harness the current Mid-Missouri heavyweight champ wears in his promotional photo is all our theater critic needs: "The harness is very gay." Yes, it is.

Marshall Faulk, Rams tailback: 3-1 "Maybe he's taking out his frustration on the fact that they got to the dresses before he did," Jackson says of the alleged woman beater. "He looks like a drag queen."

Kurt Warner, Rams fourth-string quarterback: 1-5 "I've always gotten the gaydar thing just watching him. Hello, look at the wife! The haircut alone -- Brenda's definitely Novak's or Attitudes material." Warner's perpetual three-day stubble, Jackson adds, is "very gay."

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