Where's Florissant?

Some Lou denizens feel dissed by Miss USA (but Unreal still loves her!), a Pattonville student is treated criminally, and an 84-year-old grandma praises the Rams in song; plus, we clock local athletes on our gaydar

Adam Timmerman, Rams offensive lineman: 15-1 "When your cheeks are fatter than your head, we don't want you. He has the potential for cruising the park bathrooms."

Aeneas Williams, Rams safety: 8-1 "'Aeneas?' Well, yeah. Sometimes the name says it all." Bonus points: Williams is an ordained minister.

Quin Snyder, Mizzou men's basketball coach: 22-1 "When I think of basketball, I don't get a very gay vibe. We know a gay man didn't design those outfits. They're too baggy."

Doug Weight, Blues center: 12-1 "He looks like he has little highlights in his hair. He's got that open expression -- but he is married."

Mike Danton, Blues center: 2-1 "How could it have gotten that far on nothing? The original story definitely gave the impression that he was gay. Of course, we were all hoping. But now it's sort of coming into focus, unless he was involved with his agent. He was unhappy with himself. There was a lot of psychological stuff there. It's all very lurid."

Chris Osgood, Blues goaltender: 25-1 The boyish-looking Osgood's favorite movie is Saving Private Ryan, which doesn't bode well for his homosexuality, according to our man Jackson. "The movie quote disturbs me. I was hoping it might be Chicago. He's got a little of that Ron Howard thing going for him."

Glit, nine-year-old Fairmount Park racehorse: 6-1 "There is a fondness there," Jackson says of the formidable sprinter's relationship with his owner, Lou O'Brien. But the real scoop is a hot rumor that Derby contender Tapit made a pit stop in Collinsville en route to Louisville. No word on who mounted whom on the backstretch.

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