Patty Dukes

Unreal steps into the Thickburger fray, gets good gossip at Pujols' fête and seeks dream interpretation -- and hey, keep your dirty pictures away from Ameren UE

Down-to-earth order was restored by second baseman Hart and his girlfriend, Julia Styer, both of whom seemed content to belt back Bud Lights at the back bar, not far from newly acquired reliever Ray King and former Card Bobby Bonilla. In an exclusive interview with Unreal, Bonilla expressed regret that he didn't land in St. Louis until his career was all but over at age 38 -- a vintage La Russa-era signing if ever there was one.

"My son is a huge Cardinal fan," says Bonilla, who now works for the Major League Baseball Players Association. "And his godfather's Barry Bonds."

For Unreal's money, the most intriguing character of the evening proved to be one Bobby Don of Hardin, Illinois, who owns a fleet of luxury buses he rents to pro teams on the road. Sporting a mustache, wavy white mullet, gold stud earring and formidable ice on his well-tanned neck, Don expressed unyielding support for the Iraqi war effort and Willie McGee's enshrinement in Busch Stadium's right-field Retired Number Flagdeck.

"Isn't Unreal dreamy?": Pujols and his pals discuss the topic of the hour.
"Isn't Unreal dreamy?": Pujols and his pals discuss the topic of the hour.

Then Don learned the beer was on the house.

"What am I doing drinking scotch when the beer is free?" mused Don, falling prey to a working-class mistake Unreal has made a time or two in the past.

Let's Get Metaphysical

The School of Metaphysics made a late-April pledge to St. Louis dreamers: Bring us your unconscious brain machinations, and we'll analyze them. For free.

Telling our shrink to take the week off, Unreal removes the eye boogers and brings this doozy in to the Webster branch of the Wendyville, Missouri-based nonprofit:

We were staying in the abode of our friend Sam. The giant house had four-foot-tall sex dolls, multimedia and sports equipment and lots of food in the fridge. We sat down to watch a film Sam had made. In it, the protagonist lived with a rich family and every day he took a gold-plated tank to school, driving along waterways. Everything's fine until people suddenly turn against this guy. He barely gets out alive. We loved the movie.

"Sex represents harmony, but sex dolls represent a fake harmony," explains Stacy Ferguson, the 24-year-old director of the branch. "Remember, every dream is about the dreamer. Every person, place and thing represents an aspect of the dreamer."

"The house represents your mind, and since it was big, it means you were feeling expansive. The multimedia equipment shows you are aware of the different tools you can imagine with. Sports and games have to do with how the dreamer sees the game of life. Food represents knowledge."

Okay, Unreal thinks, gazing around the perfectly normal-looking Webster Groves house that serves as the local outpost of the School of Metaphysics, here comes the part where she, like, judges us.

"All this means you see you have the tools to do things in your life but you're not necessarily using them. Watching a movie is passive. The tank is separating you from other people. You feel that everyone is against you."

Jeez. Our shrink usually tries to boost our self-esteem a little.

Well, Stacy doesn't think all is lost. "What you have to do," she says, "is decide what you want to actively create in your life."

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