Who's the Daddy?

Unreal dials a naughty number (hey, we were duped!), cheers on a local strongman and borrows a page from the Post-Dispatch; plus, Bill Haas signs on as Unreal Advice Columnist

 St. Louis Post-Dispatch reporter Diane Toroian Keaggy came up with a clever lead for her May 10 story about a pregnant orangutan at the Saint Louis Zoo, the salacious hook being that mommy-to-be Merah may or may not have boinked her eight-year-old son, Sugi, en route to conception.

"Quick, someone call 1-800-WHO'S-THE-DADDY," Keaggy led off.

At least one Post reader did precisely that, dialing the first eleven corresponding digits: 1-800-946-7843. He was greeted by a piping-hot pre-recorded message that'd make your average zoo ape stand up at attention:

Gone ape: "I have a date line that will tickle your fancy."
Mike Gorman
Gone ape: "I have a date line that will tickle your fancy."
"There were a  couple of incidents. But on the whole,  considering the magnitude of the crowd, everything went well," said  St. Louis Police Chief Joe Mokwa.
"There were a couple of incidents. But on the whole, considering the magnitude of the crowd, everything went well," said St. Louis Police Chief Joe Mokwa.

"Ooooh, hey lover, don't be shy. Come on in for a hot party. That's right -- you can get it all right here. Oooo-oooh, let my girlfriends and I show you a hot time. That's right, baby, we can go privately one-on-one for our own private party, or join us on the live party line. Or try my live virtual chat and meet a friend or two.

"You don't have to stop there, I have a date line that will tickle your fancy. It's sooooo easy to play with us. Just reach down and grab your big -- ooooh -- hard credit card. Experienced callers, enter your credit card number anytime. Don't forget: If you're experienced -- mmmmmmmm -- as a caller, you can enter -- mmmmm -- your credit-card number at any time.... So, give it to me anytime you want. That's right, just give me your credit-card number at anytime during this message.... Each call has an access fee of $5.99. Take out your credit card and put in the number so I can talk to you now. This is a hot, sizzling adult line, so you've got to be at least eighteen to join us.... Oooh, I'm waiting for you, stud. Enter your credit card number now!"

Three Wounded During "Nice Tuesday Evening" Cardinals Game

By Todd C. Frankel and Bill Bryan Of the Post-Dispatch

Three people were injured in separate violent incidents last night at Busch Memorial Stadium during a major-league baseball game between the Cardinals and the visiting Pittsburgh Pirates.

A 43-year-old Hazelwood steelworker and Cardinals fan, Taylor Beckwith, was in serious condition at Barnes-Jewish Hospital after a fellow union steelworker from Pittsburgh shoved a souvenir bat up Beckwith's ass in Section 231. Beckwith, a season-ticket holder who allegedly referred to Pirates relief pitcher Jose Mesa as "a friggin' rapist," suffered a rectal tear when the suspect retorted, "You want rape? I'll show you rape!"

The 37-year-old Mesa was acquitted on rape charges in 1997.

In an unrelated incident in Section 318, two Redbird fans suffered flesh wounds when an unruly Pirates fan clad in a feathered cap and eyepatch shot live ammunition from a vintage musket into the cool spring air after Pittsburgh catcher Jason Kendall flied out to end the top of the third inning.

Both suspects escaped.

Police Chief Joe Mokwa called the ballgame "a nice Tuesday evening event.

"There were a couple of incidents," said Mokwa. "But on the whole, considering the magnitude of the crowd, everything went well."

The events marred an otherwise beautiful evening for a baseball game at Busch, a wholly serviceable ballpark near the Mississippi River downtown that is slated for demolition at the end of next season. Well-dressed young professionals cheered for Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols as they sipped from frosty cups of Budweiser, women swooned over third sacker Scott Rolen and balding granddads bounced chubby babies on their wrinkled knees as catcher Mike Matheny deftly blocked errant pitches in the dirt.

The crowd was estimated at 32,000, or roughly one-third of the turnout at the May 16 Annie Malone Parade on Natural Bridge Road in north St. Louis, a recent "nice event" where "everything went well," according to Chief Mokwa. Six citizens were wounded by firearms and sharp objects during the parade.

Heavy Lifting

When it comes to excitement, nothing quite matches those late-night sessions in front of the tube, watching Magnus Samuelsson shot-putting refrigerators and bench-pressing Yugos on ESPN's World's Strongest Man.

Nothing, that is, besides watching wannabe Magnuses shot-putting refrigerators and bench-pressing Yugos in the flesh.

So it was that on Mother's Day weekend Unreal ventured downtown to America's Center for the Show-Me Pro-Am Strongman Wild-Card Challenge, the winner of which stood to earn the honor of joining the Sweaty Swede on the pro tour. Though amateur hefters from across the nation had converged on St. Louis for the event, a goodly portion of the smart money was on 31-year-old St. Peters resident Mike Wortham -- all six-foot-three and 350 pounds of him.

Hometown hope faded fast on the first day of competition, however. After toting an 800-pound steel yoke designed to look like the Gateway Arch, Wortham failed to lift a 320-pound steel pole over his head. He gained no ground in the next event, "Stones of Strength"; though he managed to thrust four 300-pound boulders into the air with much the same ease Unreal exhibits when hoisting twelve-packs of Stag into our shopping cart, Wortham walked away exhausted from the fifth stone.

"I've dug myself a pretty deep hole," he confessed at day's end.

Unfortunately, hole-digging wasn't one of the events.

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