Alas, it was too little, too late. Wortham was only able to salvage fourth place, as Utah's Van Hatfield (who bore an uncanny resemblance to the Terminator) snagged top honors and the chance to go up against the likes of Samuelsson.
The big guy from St. Peters took the defeat in stride, preferring to look forward to the Strongman National Amateur Championship, which comes to town in October. "I'm in better spirits," he said after wolfing down a post-tournament pizza. "This was the toughest field I've ever competed against, and I rebounded."
Powered by determination (and Egg McMuffins): Mike Wortham squat-lifts an SUV.
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Bill Me!
It's not always easy being St. Louis' foremost authority on all things Unreal. Sure, there are perks: the deluge of press credentials. The free drinks. The adulation. But it's not all Pimptinis and adoring throngs. Worst of all is the mail, the anguished pleas from readers who seek our advice on everything from matters of the heart to fondue hints to which genital piercings are "in."
For a while, we just let the stack mount. Then it hit us like a two-by-four to the skull: We could hire Bill Haas as our personal assistant in charge of answering mail! Haas, after all, wears many hats: member of the St. Louis Board of Education, retail manager at Wal-Mart, American Candidatecandidate. Why not add one more piece of headgear to the collection?
As of this week, Bill Haas dons the propeller-topped beanie of Unreal Advice Columnist. Got a dilemma? Ask Haas! He might not know what the hell he's talking about, but you can be damn sure he'll supply an answer. To get the ball rolling, we tossed Haas this poser, which he fielded with aplomb:
I'm in my late twenties and I think I might finally have met the Woman of My Dreams. I love spending time with her, we're both into all the romantic stuff -- rose petals in the bathtub, à laThe Bachelor! -- and the sex is totally out of this world. There's only one problem: I think she might be a lesbian. She's been open about it, telling me she's had same-sex encounters and enjoyed them, but she says they're only a passing experimental thing and she's really all hetero. If it hadn't been for her talking about it, I don't think I ever would have known -- she really seems to enjoy scaling Mount Woodmore, if you know what I mean. But then, you know what they say about women and faking it. I really do love this woman, and I want to believe she loves me, but I already feel the jealousy beginning to eat at me. What's a guy to do?
Bill Me!
Jealousy of any kind -- regardless of her orientation, or yours -- is a bad sign for the relationship right there.
What exactly are you jealous of? That she likes women more and you'll never be able to compete successfully for her attentions, physical or emotional? Would you rather she be attracted to other guys, or are you worried about that too? How would you feel if she told you she wanted to marry you but reserved the right to have relationships with other women from time to time, but no men? I think many if not most men could handle that; I know I was able to in one of my most serious relationships, and I have a friend who's in a happy marriage like that; she often brings her partners home for threesomes. How would you feel about that?
As I often say: "If you have to ask whether you should marry her, you shouldn't." If you can't trust her word that she loves you, then that's a bigger problem than her past bisexuality should be. And if you can't accept the reality of the present and let the past go, then that will destroy your relationship long before any bisexual feelings she has, has had or might have, will.
E-mail your questions to bill-me@riverfronttimes.com, or stamp and send to Bill Me! c/o Riverfront Times, 6358 Delmar Boulevard, Suite 200, St. Louis, MO 63130.
