By Lindsay Toler
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Twenty-five-year-old Mike Evans is one of approximately eighty-five thousand candidates looking to replace Dick Gephardt in Congress next year. He has no elective-office experience, but he does have the endorsement of raunchy comedian Margaret Cho. So he has that going for him. Sort of.
Unreal: How are you doing?
Mike Evans: I just woke up. I fell asleep in my new office down here on Cherokee. I was working on getting everything set up because we have a function on Sunday.
We got your press release about getting Margaret Cho's endorsement. How did that come about?
About a month ago, we reached out to several celebrity-type of people, asking for some support. We're doing some fundraisers here in St. Louis; in June we're doing a fundraiser at the Contemporary Art Museum, where we'll be donating a large portion of the proceeds to HIV/AIDS in the St. Louis area.
So Margaret Cho was in favor of that?
Yeah. She isn't able to make it for the June event, but her group asked how we'd feel about her supporting us and I said, "Well, that would be great."
Are you a big fan of Margaret Cho?
I really like her, yeah.
What's your favorite of her jokes?
Probably when she talks about regime change with president Bush in her own style, which, being in politics, I probably shouldn't repeat it exactly how she does.
What about her long, descriptive rant about the colonic process?
I think it's all funny.
What other celebrities did you reach out to?
The Fab Five -- the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys. I know two of them personally and we talked about it. But they're at the peak of their popularity, and their lives are owned so much by NBC and Bravo that it's not that easy for them just to do that.
Are you seeking the endorsement of other potty-mouthed comics, like Andrew Dice Clay for example?
No. The only reason we went to Margaret Cho is because she does a lot of activism. She's really big on protesting the ban on gay marriage, which I think is important in terms of equality in America.
Would you be willing to get married to a man to show your opposition to the system?
Depends. Maybe if I'd been sleeping on the couch at the office [beforehand].
How Does It Wheel?
They're the unsung heroes of local television. You know the names: George Weber, Dave Sinclair, Lou Fusz, Jim Trenary, Stephen Vincel. They occupy the nooks and crannies of our consciousness, plug the holes between weather and sports, leap out of the newspaper with Shockingly Low Prices! But how well do we really know Jim Trenary? Is he a guy you want to fork over 60 grand to? Unreal, whose Escalade is looking so 2003, resolved to dig the dirt.
George "Skip" Weber IV
Synopsis of Astrological Chart [adapted for car dealers]: Aries are the leaders of the pack, first in line to get things going [when selling cars]. Whether or not everything gets done is another question altogether, for an Aries prefers to initiate rather than to complete. Do you have a project needing a kick-start? Call an Aries, by all means. The leadership displayed by Aries is most impressive, so don't be surprised if they can rally the troops against seemingly insurmountable odds -- they have that kind of personal magnetism [to close the deal]. Aries is a bundle of energy and dynamism, kind of like a Pied Piper, leading people along with its charm and charisma [on the car lot].
Sports Played in High School: "Not for the school, no."
Thoughts on TV Advertising: "It's not unpleasant."
Favorite Ride Ever: "Corvette. It's America's dream car."
Current Ride: Chevrolet Avalanche ("Everybody says that SUVs are evil, but I'm still driving my Avalanche.")
Fun Fact: Shares a birthday with his father, George Weber III.
Synopsis of Astrological Chart [adapted for car dealers]: Those born under Virgo are forever the butt of jokes for being so picky and critical [about selling cars]. Their attention to detail, however, is for a reason: to help others [select the perfect ride]. Virgos, more than any other sign, were born to serve, and it gives them great joy to [pass the savings on to you]. They are also tailor-made for the job, since they are industrious, methodical and efficient. The sense of duty borne by these folks is considerable, and it ensures that they will always work for the greater good, [General Motors].
Sports Played in High School: Golf and baseball
Thoughts on TV Advertising: "We started doing the comedy thing ten years ago. First I started out with it, then I brought my general manager into it, Jack Gonzales. He's a pretty funny guy."
Favorite Ride Ever: Chevrolet Corvette
Current Ride: Chevrolet Suburban
Fun Fact: "Two years ago for my birthday my wife took my first commercial all the way to my current commercial and put them all on the same DVD. It's really kind of neat, because I can watch myself die on film."
Synopsis of Astrological Chart [adapted for car dealers]: Those born under this sign are more than happy to put in a full day at the office, but that's no problem, since Capricorns are both ambitious and determined [to drive you off the lot in that car right there]. The Capricorn-born are extremely dedicated, almost to the point of stubbornness. These folks can indeed be domineering, even egotistical, on their route to [that car right there]. Thankfully, Capricorns are patient, too, and are happy to wait for their [sales contracts] to come in.
Sports Played in High School: Basketball
Thoughts on TV Advertising: "To me, a car commercial should be about what the benefit is to the customer, not someone trying to look pretty on TV. We're trying to communicate to the customer the benefit of doing business with us. What Dave Sinclair looks like isn't the reason to buy a car."
Favorite Ride Ever: 1967 Pontiac GTO convertible
Current Ride: Nissan Quest ("I have to take a bunch of kids down to a soccer tournament in a few days.")
Fun Fact: Played guard for Georgetown's basketball squad in the late Sixties while working toward a degree in history.
Stephen Vincel (as told by Vincel Honda general manager Georgia Brasher)
Synopsis of Astrological Chart [adapted for car dealers]: The dawning of a new day [on the car lot] -- and all of its possibilities -- is pure bliss to an Aries. The symbol of Aries is the Ram, and that's both good and bad news. Impulsive Aries might be tempted to ram their [sales pitches] down everyone's throats without even bothering to ask if they want to know. It's these times when you may wish Aries' symbol were a more subdued creature -- more lamb than ram, perhaps. You're not likely to convince the Ram to soften up [with a rebate]; these folks are blunt and to the point. Along with those qualities comes the sheer force of the Aries nature, a force that can actually [sell you some undercoating].
Sports Played in High School: "He's always been into horses. You'll see him in the dealership and sometimes he'll have spurs on. Ninety-nine percent of the time he's in cowboy boots and jeans, looking like he just stepped out of the pages of GQ."
Thoughts on TV Advertising: "He hasn't put his face on a commercial. He doesn't do things like that."
Favorite Ride Ever: Any Honda
Current Ride: Honda S2000 roadster
Synopsis of Astrological Chart [adapted for car dealers]: Those born under Aquarius have the social conscience needed to carry us into the new millennium [of exciting new cars]. These folks are humanitarian, philanthropic and keenly interested in making the world a better place by [giving you a good deal on a car]. They focus much of their energy on giving loved ones [the lowest price possible]. Aquarians are visionaries, progressive souls who love to spend time thinking about how things can be better. Making the world a better place [by selling cars] is a collaborative effort for Aquarians. They're likely to give you a pat on your back and comfort you by saying ["Thank you and here's my address"].
Sports Played in High School: "None. I worked."
Thoughts on TV Advertising: "My theory is, if you're not in the market, you don't see the commercial. It's dead air. If you're in the market, bang, you see it and act accordingly."
Favorite Ride Ever: Ford Mustang.
Current Ride: "I drive a pickup truck. I've driven a pickup for 40 years. I have to. I wound up with 37 grandchildren."
Fun Fact: Has made one TV commercial per month since October 1966. "Every month since then. I had a brain hemorrhage in 1968, but I think I still made a commercial by the end of the month. I had the hemorrhage early and made the commercial late."
Bill, you're a well-known asshole; what do you think of anal sex?
It's always nice to hear from one of our Republican readers, especially since your reputation is that you don't enjoy sex much -- too busy screwing the voters -- except for the purpose of procreating more voters.
The short answer to your question: Not much -- if, as I presume, you mean anal intercourse. From what I hear, guys are using it as a power and dominance thing with women, and if I'm to believe the calls that go in to the Love Line radio show, kids are using it as a form of sex that doesn't risk pregnancy. I don't even think it's as common in the gay community as it's reputed to be.
I'm as much into power and dominance as the next martinet dom, but anal intercourse never appealed to me. Most women don't like it, and it never seemed to me to be very pleasurable for the woman. For most couples who do it, I'd guess the woman is doing it to please her man. In which case one time ought to go a long way -- if the man wants it more and the woman doesn't like it, she might ask herself if her man is not generally too selfish to be a good partner.
But analingus! Ahhhh, game on, good times -- and "perfectly normal, perfectly natural," as Dr. Drew and Adam would say.
E-mail your questions to email@example.com, or stamp and send to Bill Me! c/o Riverfront Times, 6358 Delmar Boulevard, Suite 200, St. Louis, MO 63130.