Methmaker, Methmaker, Make Me Some Meth

Unreal finds good meth-lab locations and talks to a young lady making her way in the world (with the help of semi-nude photos); Bill Haas gets honest; and we (and Denny's) find several ways to play with our food

Unreal was shocked to learn that a Jefferson County Water District supervisor was busted for cooking methamphetamine in the base of a High Ridge, Missouri, water tower. Of all the stupid places! Water is odorless, so there's no way to mask the chemical smell of crystal meth.

"It's definitely one of the stranger places where I've seen a lab, but it goes to show, people can cook methamphetamine anywhere," Sergeant Tommy Wright, commander of the Jefferson County drug task force, told the Post-Dispatch. But how is Missouri expected to retain the title of America's Meth-Lab Breadbasket when we've got chefs without any common sense? As a service, Unreal hereby suggests the following areas, which are much better suited for meth labs:

A. Washington University's chemical-engineering department:This is a place where crazy odors rule the day, both from the miscellaneous brews cooking within and from stinky grad students pulling all-nighters. Just don a white lab coat, load in your equipment like you know what you're doing, and set to cooking!

The Unreal meth map: Commence to cookin'.
The Unreal meth map: Commence to cookin'.

B. The riverfront south of the Arch: Here's an area so desolate and lonely that a motivated cooker could build a damn nuclear reactor without getting noticed -- except by the losers dumping their old washers and dryers.

C. Willert Home Products: Willert, located in south city just off 39th Street, is one of America's leading makers of odorizers, potpourri and mothballs, all of which combine to mask even the nastiest batch of nostril rot. The complex, which consumes three city blocks, has the added bonus of being located at a dead end, so there's no pesky traffic.

D. Next door to a White Castle: You've been there: smoking crack in your car on a Saturday night, then heading to White Castle for a 3 a.m. batch of sliders. The next day, your car's interior doesn't smell like crack, but like White Castle booty? Enough said.

E. St. Louis Centre: Rent a stall (there are plenty to choose from), put on a polyester uniform and a chef's hat, smile and start producing the nose detergent. At St. Louis Centre, everybody minds their own business -- including the customers. The only downside is that there's a very good chance you'll go out of business.

Good Golly!

With her television show, magazine and Web site, Oprah Winfrey is clearly the media queen of the United States. But here in St. Louis, Unreal hereby proclaims Molly Lancaster, proprietor of, local media empress.

The site offers semi-nude photos of the nineteen-year-old Lancaster for a monthly subscription price of $16.95. "A portion of all subscription fees will be placed into a college fund to ensure my way through medical school," she writes on her "About Me" page, where she also discloses that she is "an honor student attending a special college distance learning and independent study program through one of our major universities." Of course, the would-be physician's fame registers far below that of Winfrey -- a fact not lost on child pornographer Gary Smith, a convict who's suing Winfrey and her Harpo Productions for a combined $270 million and Lancaster for a paltry $85 million.

In a handwritten complaint pending in U.S. District Court in St. Louis, Smith, who's serving 235 months in a federal penitentiary in Florida for three counts of child pornography, alleges that Lancaster and Winfrey slandered and defamed him during an April 28, 2003, episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show during which Lancaster said he had enticed her to pose nude at age fifteen and later hawked the photos over the Internet.

Smith was put away on charges unrelated to his alleged connection to Lancaster, but court documents cite her testimony at his 2003 sentencing hearing as instrumental in boosting his sentence by nearly four years. His release date is scheduled for 2019, at which time he'll be 52.

Both Lancaster and Winfrey declined to discuss the lawsuit with Unreal, but Lancaster's business partner, David Pearson, says the suit is a frivolous attempt by Smith to blame his victims.

"We believe his suit has no merit and his claims have no foundation, and we're confident of a summary dismissal," says Pearson.

According to court documents, Lancaster earned about $240,000 in 2000 from photos sold on Smith's now-defunct Web sites. Following a subsequent dispute, the enterprising young woman eliminated Smith as a middleman and launched her own "modeling site."

Lancaster now has full control of the images she chooses to post. In describing her Web site on Winfrey's show last year, she said, "Let's be honest: There is autoeroticism. That's what it is. That's what we're talking about here. Are we going to say that that's not hygienic, or that's not natural, that it doesn't happen?"

Just the sorts of questions Unreal asks every day.

Bill Me

I just turned in my resignation to St. Louis Public Schools. I feel so much better. I could cite a litany of reasons, most of them common knowledge to those who watch the news.

My question: Can the district expect sound, stable leadership from board members who admit prior threesomes in "serious relationships" and divulge views on anal sex in a column in a local paper? How would you feel about SLPS students reading the content of your new column? Bill Me!

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