Methmaker, Methmaker, Make Me Some Meth

Unreal finds good meth-lab locations and talks to a young lady making her way in the world (with the help of semi-nude photos); Bill Haas gets honest; and we (and Denny's) find several ways to play with our food

I could answer letters without recourse to any personal experience, but they're more entertaining and real if I have personal experience to share. For the record, I didn't say I had threesomes; I said I had a friend who was married to a bisexual woman and they had threesomes. Regarding the letter on anal sex, I think I gave an answer that was both serious and humorous.

Writers need to know their audience. In December I wrote the RFT requesting consideration for a column, after the Post-Dispatch, Suburban Journals and St. Louis Magazine had turned me down. The questions and answers are bound to be different in an alternative weekly from what they'd be in a family publication like those mentioned above. As I said, one needs to know his audience.

I'm teaching six college courses and working retail full-time -- that's 80 to 90 hours a week, plus the school board. I've worked like this for thirteen years, since I was laid off from my law job at a corporation that went bankrupt. Some months I didn't have money for rent, and if my family hadn't helped me out, I'd have been on the street, or worse. I don't expect people to feel sorry for me, but I could use the few extra dollars a week. If I'm giving good advice on dating and relationships, that's honorable work as far as I'm concerned. I'm a nice guy. I've led a bit of a hardscrabble life since Yale and Harvard and I think I deserve whatever success I get.

Make your own MeatGina!
Make your own MeatGina!

As for my school-board position and schoolkids reading my column -- as far as I'm concerned, if they're reading the RFT, their souls are already irredeemably lost. And voters will be able to express their opinions about my eight years' service on the board when my term's up next spring.

Finally, people who really care about our kids don't resign when the going gets tough. You gave your opinion; that's mine.

E-mail your questions to [email protected], or stamp and send to Bill Me! c/o Riverfront Times, 6358 Delmar Boulevard, Suite 200, St. Louis, MO 63130.

Saucy Semen

Despite what the cops say, the chicken strips with honey-mustard dipping sauce at the Denny's in Waterloo, Illinois, are simply delicious, albeit a bit greasy. If there was semen in the sauce (which former kitchen-worker Anthony Lindhorst allegedly spilled into it on at least two occasions), Unreal, an expert semen taster, could not detect it. We, of course, also wanted to sample the brownies, knowing full well that Lindhorst was fired in April for feeding pot-laced brownies to a couple of fellow employees. Some kind of guy. Some kind of joint.

Unreal first ordered an iceberg-lettuce salad with Italian dressing on the side. The dressing was a clear, whitish fluid speckled with miscellaneous herbs, thicker than your average vinegar-and-oil and a little salty. So maybe there was something funny going on.

Then we moved on to the Waterloo Denny's specialty -- the aforementioned chicken strips. One can order the strips two different ways -- as an appetizer or as an entrée, the latter of which offered us the choice of two sides. Unreal chose the entrée, opting for orders of stuffing with gravy and applesauce. Our server perspired profusely and seemed somewhat overwhelmed -- this despite the fact that the lunch crowd was virtually nonexistent.

Frustrated by the lengthy wait for those tasty strips, Unreal couldn't help but notice that the harried server, when he finally arrived with the food, was even sweatier than when we last saw him some fifteen minutes earlier. What, Unreal wondered, was he doing back there?

Four phallic-looking strips of fried chicken sat next to a pile of stuffing dripping with gravy and a bowl of applesauce. The honey-mustard sauce, presented in a little plastic cup, was a very pale yellow. Both honey and mustard are usually much darker, which gave us pause. Had it been contaminated with you-know-what? Unreal chose not to care and hungrily dunked a strip into the special sauce. Again and again, Unreal dunked, so quickly that some of that special sauce dribbled down our chin.

Unreal proceeded to Denny's specialty dessert, brownies topped with ice cream. We ate about half of it, and no, we didn't get the least bit high.

Make Your Own RFT MeatGina™

We've all heard stories about people seeing things in their food such as the Virgin Mary in a tortilla or Jesus in a cinnamon roll. But Unreal was surprised last week when several readers claimed to see a certain area of the female anatomy in the butterflied filet mignon that graced last week's RFT cover accompanied by the headline "Eat Me." It's not so much that they were offended: They wanted a MeatGina™ of their own. Unreal aims to please, so simply follow these instructions (illustrated below) and enjoy.* And ignore what your mom told you about playing with your food. 1. Go to your butcher and get a five-inch-long section of beef tenderloin (the RFT went to the Straub's in Webster -- plug plug). Place it on a cutting board so the more round section is facing up. 2. Using a sharp knife, cut almost all the way through the meat. 3. Flip it over and fold it in half. 4. Stand on end so the area you cut is on top. Look on in horror. Write a letter to the editor.

* PhotoShop not required.

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