This Is Your Brain on Meth

Unreal catches up with a crystal-meth cooker gone straight, chats with an Andrew W.K.-endorsed candidate and gets local businesses' take on gay marriage; plus we totally freak out about West Nile, and Bill Haas offers something for the ladies

How hard, exactly, do you party?

[Laughs] I don't party quite as hard as Andrew W.K. I'd like to think that I could live up to his level of energy, but I think that's impossible given his stage performances. I don't know how he does it.

Whose endorsement would you rather have, Andrew W.K.'s, or Margaret Cho's, who endorsed your rival Mike Evans?

Andrew W.K.
Andrew W.K.
The ladies at the Womans Exchange are not impressed with our gay-marriage survey.
The ladies at the Womans Exchange are not impressed with our gay-marriage survey.

Andrew W.K.'s. That's a no-brainer for me.

Do you think gratuitous photos of bloody noses should be banned?

No way! I am anti-censorship, so I thought that was pretty ridiculous that they put that black band around his album.

Do you consider it a conflict of interest to take money from a guy who's done Coors Light commercials, when in fact the city you hope to represent depends largely on the industry of Anheuser-Busch?

Anheuser-Busch hasn't given me any money, so I don't feel bad about it at all. Whatever he has to do to get the message out that it's okay to have a good time, so be it.

Which Third District candidate do you think '80s cock-rock icon Kip Winger should support?

You know, I would just leave that up to each individual rock icon to make up their own mind. Because that's really what my campaign is about: providing the information to let every voter and every rock icon make up their own mind.

Bill Me

After a few years of masturbating solo, I seem to be having some difficulty reaching climax with my new boyfriend during intercourse. I feel like I'm not able to relax and let it happen with someone other than me at the helm. He is very interested in satisfying me and keeps asking what I would like for him to do, and I do not have any answers. Any suggestions?

Bill Me

Sex for two is different from sex for one -- not always as good in some ways, but better in others. But although in general the saying is that you have to take responsibility for your own orgasm, I've never been sure it's always that simple. You need a willing partner -- and it's a great sign that yours is interested in pleasing you.

You refer to him as your "new" boyfriend, so it's natural for you to take a while to relax with him. Sometimes it takes as long as a year. As for not having any answers, you're going to have to do better than that, now aren't you, honey? If you don't know what feels good for you, how is he expected to? Sex is definitely a team sport.

You specify "during intercourse." I'm assuming you've tried woman-on-top (supposedly the easiest position for most women when it comes to coming). How about oral sex? Him touching you during intercourse? Touching yourself during intercourse? (Some guys like that!) Or touching yourself after intercourse? (Some guys don't like that -- but would you really want to be with one of those guys?)

If it just turns out that you came more easily with past boyfriends than you do with this one, it's something you might both have to live with. Would that bother you? Not a good sign for the relationship, but better to accept that than to deny it.

Finally, try to keep in mind Mae West's philosophy that when sex is good it's very very good, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Address matters of love and lust to [email protected], or stamp and send to Bill Me! c/o Riverfront Times, 6358 Delmar Boulevard, Suite 200, St. Louis, MO 63130. You can also call 314-754-6411 and leave a voicemail -- but only if you promise to speak in a sultry bedroom voice.

Once Bitten

"People should be taking steps now to protect against what could be another deadly West Nile season," screamed a June 7 Post-Dispatch article bearing the portentous headline, "County urges caution on West Nile virus as mosquitoes swarm."

So when one of the little vampires plunges its proboscis into Unreal's neck, we do what any red-blooded St. Louisan would do: panic. The state isn't spending $2.3 million this year on West Nile for nothing, is it? Why, last year alone there were 64 verified cases of the disease -- and that's just in Missouri! Eight of those cases were fatal! Who cares if the majority resulted in a headache or muscle ache -- we've got a budding pandemic on our hands!

Still hyperventilating, we put in a call to Washington University microbiologist Michael Diamond, who commences hollering, "Evacuate! Evacuate!" and then keels over in the throes of a hysterical seizure.

Actually, Diamond is surprisingly calm.

"Flu is a more dangerous virus to humans overall, certainly," he soothes. "There's not even a comparison in the numbers worldwide."

Turns out that when compared epidemiologically to other diseases, West Nile is a featherweight of the viral world. According to the Centers for Disease Control, nearly 70 percent of the 9,862 cases of West Nile reported in the United States last year were diagnosed as West Nile fever, a mild form of the disease that results in flu-like symptoms. The real flu, meanwhile, hospitalizes 114,000 victims annually and kills 36,000. (West Nile killed 264 people nationwide in 2003.)

« Previous Page
Next Page »