WMDs Found at Last!

Our favorite inanimate objects celebrate birthdays, Russ Carnahan snags the Hefner endorsement, and Silver Dollar City gets political; plus, we find the real WMDs (in St. Charles!) and Bill Haas phones it in

Dubya has a knack for wooing new groups of voters. Earlier this year much political attention focused on the "NASCAR Dads" (a.k.a., the chaw-spittin', jean-short-wearing section of the population) and how they were the ticket to Bush's re-election. But during a campaign stop in St. Charles last week, Unreal discovered that Bush has tapped into an all-new electoral market -- NASCAR Dads, say hello to the pocketknife voters.

The St. Charles County sheriff's department reports that it confiscated nearly 400 pocketknives from among the 11,000 people who turned out for Bush's July 20 visit to the St. Charles Family Arena. Other items confiscated included scissors, a cheese grater and a toy gun.

The St. Louis office of the Bush-Cheney '04 campaign felt disinclined to comment on whether Bush was indeed looking to pocket the vote of the pocketknife voter and referred Unreal's questions to the Secret Service.

Bush-Cheney '04: Winning the hearts and minds of the pocketknife voters
Bush-Cheney '04: Winning the hearts and minds of the pocketknife voters
Back rubs on Capitol Hill? Russ Carnahan is (Christine) Hefner-endorsed.
Back rubs on Capitol Hill? Russ Carnahan is (Christine) Hefner-endorsed.

Christine Glunz, spokeswoman for the Democratic National Committee, said John Kerry's camp is not concerned that it may be losing the hearts and minds of the country's pocketknife-wielding populace. Instead, Glunz offered up this sagacious political analysis: "With [Bush's] support declining, you wonder how far afield they had to go to get that many people. Perhaps they billed it as a knife show."

Meanwhile, back at the sheriff's department, Lieutenant Craig McGuire finds himself sitting on a stockpile of 200 pocketknives not yet claimed by their owners. If no one picks up the knives by the end of this week, McGuire says, the department will have no choice but to destroy the weapons.

Trolling for Endorsements

State Representative Russ Carnahan is one of approximately 85,000 candidates seeking to replace Dick Gephardt in Congress next year. He has managed to line up some financial heavyweights as political backers, including Playboy CEO Christine Hefner.

Unreal: So, besides Christine Hefner, a biker from Ste. Genevieve named Skillethead endorsed you. Is there any chance they'll be doing any joint campaigning together?

Russ Carnahan: Well, I don't know. The only extra space on his Harley was taken up by his wife and yard signs, so I kinda doubt that.

How do you think Playboy magazine can help the citizens of the third district?

Well, the support that I got was from her individually, an individual donation. I know she's been a strong supporter of progressive Democrats around the country.

How old were you when you saw your first Playboy?

Had to be high school.

Do you think back rubs from naked Playboy models on Capitol Hill would increase productivity?

I doubt it.

Do you read Playboy for the pictures or for the articles?

I don't, neither one.

If Playgirl magazine invited you to pose, would you?

I doubt that my wife would want me to do that.

If you were going to be stranded on a desert island for a month, without your wife, which Playboy collection would you like to have: Wet and Wild, Girls of the WAC, Barefoot Beauties, Voluptuous Vixens or Sexy Girls Next Door?

I don't know, 'cause I've never seen those. Somehow I doubt if I was stranded on a desert island any of those things would be there anyway; I'd probably just have to have an active imagination.

If you do not win your party's nomination, do you promise not to go on a berserk rampage, gunning down the residents of the city and defecating in the streets?

Absolutely. My mild-mannered temperament I'm sure would take control.

Happy Birthdays!

How time flies! Unreal was made to feel like a real geezer the other day when the Post-Dispatch made much ado over the anniversaries of the cell phone and the Sony Walkman. Can you believe it's been 25 years since the Japanese brought us the Walkman and 20 years since the first cell phone? All this vital information got Unreal thinking -- what other anniversaries of inanimate objects deserve celebration? Turns out, lots.

Here's a sneak peek at a few headlines you can expect to see soon in the P-D.

Water. Still refreshing after all these years.

Round it goes! The electric can-opener turns 73!

Safety pin still on a tear at 155.

Millard Fillmore (our first inanimate president) turns 204.

Toasting the toaster at 95!

Mr. Potato Head remains a spud at 52.

Stuck on the Post-It for 25 years.

Birth of the Cool: Willis Haviland Carrier invented the air conditioner 98 years ago.

Always the blowhard, the hairdryer is 114.

Never unseated, the chair enters its fourth millennium.

Bill Me

Is phone sex alive and well? Do you think this type of sensual experience has changed over time? Is there value in having this kind of encounter? What do you think?

Bill Me!

Phone sex is a lost Victorian art, like cabinet-making and shoeing horses. And it's an acquired taste -- like lobster, or oysters, or Francis Slay. Like masturbation, real men don't do it; it interferes with ESPN. Seriously, some singles do enjoy it, even before meeting, sort of as foreplay -- though it shouldn't be used to avoid a real relationship or intimacy.

Some women like the vulnerability and submissiveness phone sex implies, like the lure of romance novels. And it certainly constitutes safe sex.

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