The Wizard of Ozz

Behold the Great Black Sabbath Cinematic Experience

  • During the shitty instrumental "Orchid," the kid's doing that murder/redrum thing while holding a butcher knife. Hold me.
  • "Orchid" enrages Jack, who busts down the bathroom door with an ax as if to say, "Enough with the folk shit, Slappy."
  • "Heeeeeeeerrre's Johnny!" he infamously bellows, during the "Lord of This World" solo. This is legitimately badass.
  • Doug MacDonald

  • Scatman Crothers gets busted up with an ax as the ballad "Solitude" begins. Attention Wimpy White Guy aficionados: This is a great song.
  • As the really weird shit goes down -- the oral-sex dude in the bear suit, the face-cracked-in-half guy, skeletons in the dancehall, the climactic Blood Elevator -- Ozzy bleats through "Into the Void": "Back on earth the flame of life burns low/Everywhere is misery and woe/Pollution kills the air, the land, the sea/Man prepares to meet his destiny." Can it, Ralph Nader. Cool drums, though.
  • As "Into the Void" fades out, we leave Jack stumbling helplessly through the snow maze. (Note cocaine foreshadowing.)
  • Album: Black Sabbath Vol. 4 (1972)

    Film: The Triplets of Belleville (2003)

    Synchronization Point: The beginning.

    • This didn't work at all. Very disappointing. True, it's fun to watch the old French lady massage her bicyclist grandson's calves with an eggbeater during the beloved ballad "Changes," which sounds in this context like a rejected Cheers theme. But the rest is muddled and confusing. Ozzy doesn't mesh well with experimental, weird-ass animation. To make any sense of it, you'd pretty much have to be wandering through the snow maze.

    Album: Sabbath Bloody Sabbath (1973)

    Film: Conan the Barbarian (1982)

    Synchronization Point: "Conan, what is best in life?" "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!"

    • BOOM. "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" launches. During the course of this song, Conan is freed from slavery, runs around a lot, slaps around some wolves, tumbles down the stairs into a dungeon and steals a ludicrously oversize sword from Kron's tomb. "God knows as your dognose/Bog blast all of you," Ozzy yelps incomprehensibly as Conan lifts it to the sky.
    • "A National Acrobat" unfolds during this whole makin'-out-with-a-witch business. We'll wait thirteen years for a more absurdly overacted sex scene (Showgirls).
    • "Ha ha!" Ozzy snorts as we get a look at Conan's furry traveling outfit. It looks as if he's wearing your couch.

    • Conan enjoys some rotisserie chicken during the "Acrobat" guitar solo, which segues nicely into "Fluff," a rather aptly named folkish instrumental that sounds like the Rod Stewart Unplugged band warming up. Conan gets so bored (the tune is four minutes long) that he ingests some sort of snow maze-esque powder, staggers around mindlessly and punches out a camel.
    • As the salacious "Sabbra Cadabra" begins, Conan meets his love interest, Poor Man's Linda Hamilton.
    • "Feels so good I feel so fine/Love that little lady always on my mind/Gives me lovin' every night and day/Never gonna leave her, never goin' away." What's more disturbing: those lyrics or the guest keyboards from Rick Wakeman?
    • Conan attempts to dude up the wussy proceedings by whupping the giant snake's ass. There is profound silence between the snake's death and "Killing Yourself to Live." But soon he's all lovey-dovey too, romancing Poor Man's Linda Hamilton throughout the guitar solo.
    • "Smoke it! Get high!" someone shouts during Ridiculous Sex Scene #2. By song's end, Conan is washing her feet.
    • "Who Are You" and its cheesy-ass WE-ow WE-ow keyboards take over as Conan and Poor Man's Linda Hamilton are apprehended by Max von Sydow (!), who is inexplicably dressed like Santa Claus.
    • During "Looking for Today," Conan seems to wander into a Polyphonic Spree video -- hippie dudes prancing among flowers. He eventually falls asleep, and when he wakes up, he's in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Black Sabbath seems to have employed an orchestra.

    Album: Sabotage (1975)

    Film: Amélie (2001)

    Synchronization Point: A suicide jumper -- leaping off a cathedral, mind you -- lands on and instantly kills Amélie's mother. Subtitle: "Amandine dies instantly."

    • The subtitles to this French flick help tremendously. "His unsociable tendencies increase," the narration notes of Amélie's father as the "Hole in the Sky" riff gathers steam.
    • "I don't believe there's any future in cars," Ozzy sings, showing poor economic foresight (though, admittedly, there are very few cars in this movie).
    • The dowdy widow reads a love letter from her beloved husband during "Symptom of the Universe": "Take my hand, my child of love, come step inside my tears/Swim the magic ocean, I've been crying all these years/With our love we'll ride away into eternal skies/A symptom of the universe a love that never dies." The love letter is far less embarrassing.
    • "Get out of my life!" Ozzy screeches as Amélie and her love interest meet for the first time.
    • The actually-quite-badass riff to "Megalomaniac" sounds incongruous next to a scene centering around a garden gnome.
    • "SUCK ME!" Ozzy thunders as Amélie searches for Monsieur Bretodeau. Dude, this is a romantic comedy.
    • "Amélie has a feeling of absolute harmony," the narrator announces during the "Megalomaniac" guitar solo.
    • Amélie makes pasta during "Supertzar," the doofy choral instrumental and leading indicator of the whole '90s nü-metal misspelling craze. She also imagines her own death and steals the aforementioned garden gnome.
    • "Am I going insane?" Ozzy demands as the lovers meet again.
    • As "The Writ" fades out, someone announces, "A woman without love wilts like a flower without sun."

    None more black, my friends. None more black.

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