Jerry Baby!

I think if it was an alien, he could probably do without the Ivy League aspect. I think they've gone far beyond that.

Are aliens capable of kicking booze and cocaine habits and discovering Jesus, or do they worship a more celestial supreme being?

I would hope that the latter would hold truer than the former.

Let's shift gears a bit and talk about Dionne Warwick. Do you feel as though her role in "That's What Friends Are For" was more essential than that of Gladys Knight?

I hope her central role would have more to do with taking a ride on my new spaceship as compared to her partners in music.

Burt Bacharach is hip again. Shouldn't he take some initiative and throw Warwick a bone, perhaps by including her as his supporting act on a French Polynesian lounge tour?

Yeah, he should throw her the whole hindquarter. I'm drinking Mountain Dew right now, so that might have something to do with it.

If all else fails, is it safe to assume the Celestial Theatre will create a character called "Dionne Warwick," thus cementing the tall drink of soul's lunar legacy?

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

Dionne Warwick will play the Four Seasons Hotel in Chicago on October 23 as part of the somber "Loungepalooza" festival commemorating the 96th anniversary of the Cubs' last world title.

Bill Me

Dammit Bill, I was perfectly happy to let you make up the questions as well as the answers. Now I sit here broken-hearted with a "Bill Me!"-less issue of the RFT. So here goes:

1) Will your seemingly liberal sexual views allow you to ensure that students get much-needed sex-ed classes?

2) Why should I listen to you instead of Dan Savage?

Bill Me!

Ever since the St. Louis Post-Dispatch erroneously called my column a "sex advice" column rather than a "dating and relationships" column (it's the Post, not the Times, and not the Washington Post, either -- it's no accident that this Pulitzer paper hasn't won a Pulitzer for news in more than 50 years, and although most papers have a "corrections" column for things they got wrong, the Post is the only paper in the country that has a column for things they got right the previous day...), I've been getting letters from women who want me to help them find their G-spot. Thank you, Post-Dispatch.

In answer to your questions:

1) Yes. Sort of. Not really. Under our new superintendent, anything is possible. And I resemble that remark about "liberal sexual views." I'm very conservative in my personal life. I have never cheated on someone (though God knows sometimes I've tried). And if I was going to cheat, I would tell her, and then it wouldn't be cheating. And if I didn't tell her, I'm sure I would have a good reason. Like sparing her feelings. Or my huevos.

2) Six reasons I prefer my column to the other one:

Dan who?

Is Savage related to the Savage Center family where the Blues play, and did they pay for naming rights to his column?

One of his columns goes a long, long way.

He's supposed to be funny; I am funny.

I've actually hadsex.

I don't get $50 when his column appears.

Address matters of love and lust to St. Louis school board member Bill Haas at bill-me@riverfronttimes.com, or stamp and send to Bill Me! c/o Riverfront Times, 6358 Delmar Boulevard, Suite 200, St. Louis, MO 63130. You can also call 314-754-6411 and leave a voicemail -- but only if you promise to speak in a sultry bedroom voice.

Rockin' It

Contrary to Bart Simpson's philosophy regarding the game "Rock, Paper, Scissors" -- "Good ol' rock...nothing beats rock!" -- apparently paper does beat it, and pretty easily, as Unreal discovered at the Black Thorn Pub in south city on a recent Wednesday night. We were humiliated in the tournament despite all of our pre-game warm-ups, scouting reports and meditation.

For the past few months, reps from the local Schlafly brewery have been traveling to bars throughout the area sponsoring "Rock, Paper, Scissors" tournaments, and the drinkers seem to love it. Drunks and teetotalers alike can play, and neither seems to have an edge. Nor does either gender have a physical advantage, so the hotshot guys and the hottie girls can compete against each other.

"It works because everyone thinks they're an expert," explains Ben Bruker, brewery representative and referee for the Thorn tourney. He says the dudes talk the talk more than the ladies. "The guys always say, 'I'm really good at this,' but what's amazing is that the women always seem to win."

Finalist Tina (who left the bar before we could get her last name) was the heavy favorite because she was so impressive in her early rounds. After embarrassing Unreal in the best-two-out-of-three preliminaries, Tina breezed through the next round with ease. She was well-rested going into the best-of-five final against Ida McCall, who had struggled in early rounds but managed to eke out wins. But her arm did seem tired.

The two eyed each other, shook hands, and then went at it. Rock-rock. Scissors-scissors. The opponents were locked into each others' psyches. Out of nowhere, Ida pulled out a paper, which covered Tina's rock. The crowd roared. Tina stormed back with a solid scissors, which shredded Ida's paper. Ouch. Series tied. A rock-rock throw calmed the pub, and the tension built. Bruker urged them on, and Tina slammed a rock on her opponent's scissors to storm into the lead 2-1. Ida, however, responded with her own rock to Tina's scissors, tying the match. The crowd went mad. 2-2!