Ursha Speaks

We sit in on an Usher wank-fest, chat with Evanescence and watch the Dems pull out their magic stick

Oh, yeah. That was right when [Shaun and I] were first starting to get to know each other. It was after a big Godsmack show. Everybody got pretty drunk and sang their asses off.

I have a tough time imagining Corey Taylor [Stone Sour, Slipknot] singing "Brown Eyed Girl" or whatever.

With his pants around his ankles, no less. Nobody could get him off the stage. He did, like, twelve different songs.

And you and Shaun did something from Grease?

I wanted to do Dirty Dancing, but all they had was Grease.

So which song did you sing?

Um...you know the one at the end? When [John Travolta] is dressed up like a nerd? [Sings] "We'll always/Be together" -- that one.

So is that "your" song?

Noooooooooo. --Nathan Dinsdale

Donkey Dance

You'd have thought that maybe Reverend Al was in the house at Union Station last week instead of John Kerry and John Edwards. As the crowds arrived to see their candidates, the campaign was greasing them up with the funk. First it was "Addicted to You" by Britney Spears, which, you gotta admit, is funkier than it should be. We were expecting Bruce and Mellencamp, but the Dems must be gunning for the tween vote. Then, in an effort to secure the hometown rap vote, the PA juiced up "Shake Ya Tailfeather" by Nelly, P. Diddy and Murphy Lee. Surprising, sure, but a harmless-enough ode to ass-shaking.

We lost it, however, when the Kerry campaign went all Lil' Kim on our asses with "Magic Stick," an ode to humpin' that makes even us blush. Check this rhyme, cameoed by 50 Cent, which kicks off the song: "I'm a freak to the core/Get a dose once, you gon' want some more/My tongue touch ya girl, ya toes bound to curl/This exclusive shit I don't share with the world." Yo, Kerry, we heard you were packing a pretty impressive magic stick of your own, but we had no idea that you'd flaunt it as well. Alas, some campaign operative somewhere must have figured it out, because halfway through Kelis' "Milkshake" -- an ode to cold, cold pussy -- the music abruptly stopped and, after a moment's silence, some touching female singer/songwriter crap came on, much more in tune with Kerry's demeanor. But for a brief fifteen minutes, before Foo Fighter Dave Grohl did his best Bob Seger impression, the Kerry/Edwards campaign was hitting it hard. -- Randall Roberts

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