Charles Bearkowski

We find a bear who can drink more than we can and learn how to be PC with our pets; plus, Unreal falls prey to taco terrorism

Sometime between 10 a.m. on July 29 and midnight on August 8, the vacationing Unreal's Buick vanished from a parking stall behind the Meat Street Foundry in Soulard. A few days later, Unreal received a phone call from Officer John "Vito" Parisi of the Sauget Police Department, saying that the car had been severely damaged and impounded -- and that a likely suspect had been identified. Parisi's plan? Set a trap for the metro-east resident, using money the suspect had left behind while on a late-night joyride in the stolen Electra.

"We pulled him over for running a stop sign or something; he didn't have a valid license -- so we brought him in and he made bond," reports Parisi, who booked the suspect before Unreal reported the vehicle stolen. "The rear three windows were busted out. There were tools scattered all throughout the interior. The back seat was just torn to shit. I went by his house and spoke with a guy who says he was the stepfather. He says he doesn't live there but checks in now and again. I told [the suspect's stepdad] to have him swing by and pick up an envelope with $56 in it."

By virtue of the prescient expanded-coverage purchase, Unreal is currently rolling in a stylish silver Hyundai (with a CD player!) rental car that we had the pleasure of red-lining to the Lake of the Ozarks this past weekend, and we have a line on a 1990 Buick Century currently being moored in Granite City.

Wino the Pooh? No, just a mountain bear who loves mountain beer.
Mike Gorman
Wino the Pooh? No, just a mountain bear who loves mountain beer.
Mess grande: An all-too-accurate depiction of Unreal's Honda after the taco assault
Mess grande: An all-too-accurate depiction of Unreal's Honda after the taco assault

Meanwhile Unreal's second car, a 1995 Honda Accord, was ghoulishly transformed last week into a Mexican-buffet-on-wheels. We had parked on a woodsy street in Webster Groves, and some taco-toting hoodlum decided to unburden himself of a small boatload of slop -- we're talking the whole enchilada. The guys down at Auto Beauty Specialists on Lockwood Avenue actually blanched as they gazed at the drippy, festering mess that was plastered throughout Unreal's entire interior. It took them the whole day to undo the south-of-the-border devastation.

Unfortunately, Unreal's insurance policy does not cover refried-bean damages. Hence, it is far more enjoyable and cost effective to have one's car stolen than tacoed, provided the owner has the foresight to purchase comprehensive on a mid-'80s classic-to-be. And here's a tip, teen vandals: Go buy a dozen eggs instead of a dozen tacos next time, and focus on your vehicular targets' exteriors. Less trouble all around, kids -- and ain't nothin' more perversely satisfying than the crack of an egg on a brand new Hummer. Take it from us. We've been there, done that. Splat.

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