Hole in One

Unreal sneaks a peek at golfing strippers, learns the health advantages of Pimp Juice and laments fallen fowl; plus, do women who marry Jesus get wedding gifts?

"If an individual is going to choose an energy drink with the least deleterious effects when combined with alcohol, I believe Pimp Juice to be a far superior choice," says the good doctor in a press release circulated to the country's more discerning journalists.

Among his findings: "Carbonation speeds the absorption of alcohol. Pimp Juice is not carbonated; hence alcohol absorption will not be facilitated as it is with Red Bull." But there's more good news: "The need for vitamin C during moderate alcohol consumption is increased. Pimp Juice has 100 percent of an individual's RDA for vitamin C. Red Bull contains no vitamin C."

Of course, the makers of Pimp Juice are quick to point out that, although their beverage is meant to be a straight energy drink, "there is a segment in the marketplace that uses energy drinks as a 'mixer' with alcohol." And while the makers of Pimp Juice do not like to think of their drink as a chaser, they add that "nutritional findings suggest that for consumers who use energy drinks as a mixer with alcohol, Pimp Juice is safer than most others." So go ahead and drink all you like, but let's be healthy out there.

Jeremy Eaton

Holy Mischievous Mary

For the longest time Unreal thought the Mormon Church was the only religious order in the United States to tolerate polygamy, but that's before we learned about the consecrated virgins of the Catholic Church. Turns out, Jesus Christ (that stud) had more than 1,500 wives or so-called "consecrated virgins" who officially married the savior under the auspices of the Catholic Church. We were hardly surprised when Unreal discovered that St. Louis' new archbishop, Raymond Burke, serves as the official spiritual guide for the 150 women in the United States who have taken marital vows with Jesus.

So just how does a woman enter into wedlock with Jesus? Below is a step-by-step method for all you ladies still looking to land the Supreme Being.

1. Make sure you're ready! Any marriage is a big decision, but even more so when you're marrying a deity. Burke, as reported in the Post-Dispatch, suggests women wait until they are at least 35 years old before they begin to consider a marriage with Jesus.

2. Pray! A consecrated virgin must be comfortable with prayer as telepathy will be your chief form of communication with your new husband. In addition, a consecrated virgin is required to pray multiple times throughout the day as well as attend daily Mass and visit the Blessed Sacrament as often as possible.

3. Get a job! Jesus does not tolerate layabouts. As Jesus' wife, you'll need to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. According to the U.S. Association of Consecrated Virgins, the bride must be financially independent and provide for all her own expenses.

4. Keep your pants on! Yes, a consecrated virgin is just that. The bride must never have had sex. After all, can a woman offer up to God something she does not have? As Burke told the P-D: "The virgin must be firm in her desire. It would be a scandal if a woman were to abandon her life as a virgin."

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