The Spy Who Wasn't

Unreal dabbles in espionage and gets motivated with Ed McMahon; plus, breaking news from the Department of Not Quite Getting It

Customer service: St. Louis Post-Dispatch, this is Nicole speaking.

Unreal: Hi, Nicole! My name is, um, Steve. Steve Pick.

Nicole: Good afternoon, sir. How can I help you?

You know this 50-cents-off coupon in the Sunday paper? Well, I put it in the coin slot of the news box down on the corner and it wouldn't give me 50 cents back.

What did you try to put in the coin slot?

The coupon.

You would have to go to a vendor with that.

Yeah, but the machine is so much more convenient for me. That seems like discrimination, don't you think?

No, it's a coupon.

Can you send me 50 cents in the mail so I can buy the Saturday paper? I can't get enough of those "Bernie Bits."

No, you would need to take the coupon to the vendor, sir.

What happens if I collect three coupons? Do I get a free paper?

No. You get 50 cents off per paper. I believe it's only one coupon per paper.

Can I have a discounted subscription if I only want the sports section,Parade magazine and Sylvester Brown's column?

No, it's part of the newspaper, sir. You have to buy the whole newspaper.

Does Deb Peterson have hair extensions?

[Silence]

Are you still there?

Yes, sir.

You mean shedoes have hair extensions?

I don't know.

Memo of the Week

From: Charles Burton

Sent: Thursday, September 16, 2004 12:20 PM

To: Amy Hilgemann (E-mail); Amy L Hilgemann; Bill Haas (E-mail); Darnetta Clinkscale; Darnetta Clinkscale (E-mail); Erika Pride (E-mail); Robert Archiblad (E-mail); Ron Jackson at Home (E-mail); Ronald Jackson; Ronald Jackson (E-mail); Veronica O'Brien (E-mail); Vicki Kaffenberger (E-mail); Vince Schoemehl (E-mail)

Subject: Unreal Article in Riverfront Times

Board members:

Below please find an article published in the most recent addition of the Riverfront Times ["Back to Basics," September 15, 2004]. The article by all appearances seems to be a joke. The office of Public Information is currently making inquiries. I will keep you informed as more information becomes available.

Charles Burton

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