Do You Give a Rat's Ass About the NHL Lockout?

Week of October 13, 2004

Dave "Fatty" Nelson
Bartender, Griffin's of Soulard
"A 10-month season [where] 20 percent of the games played end in a tie and 85 percent of the teams go to [the] playoffs -- who needs it?"

Gina Huntoon
Police Officer
"I think it blows. That's a real sport with real men, so yeah, I'm gonna miss it. What's fall without getting to watch guys beat the crap out of each other on the ice? And you know, the only time it's acceptable to date a guy with missing teeth is if he's a hockey player. He can afford to buy new teeth for himself -- and new boobs for you."

Tory Z Starbuck
Surreal Estate Agent
"It's interesting, the guys that call me a fag while I'm walking with a girl and they're walking with eight guys, going to Busch Stadium to watch a bunch of men wearing tight uniforms -- I suspect those very guys would also attend hockey games. So no, I don't care about the lockout. Athletes were the ones that were beating up artists and musicians in high school. I have no interest in them, none at all."

Jared Chestnut
Author, The Color of Vowels,
The Little Treasury of Diphthongs
, etc.

"I'm not much of a hockey fan -- although I'm a St. Louis fan, so I hate to see our city losing out like this, but it happens. These athletes need to wake up. They're blessed, and they need to realize that."

Don Woods
Server, Portabella
"I do, because everybody's losing money -- from the people that work the concession stands to the players. And the shame of it is that this could be resolved over the long run, with some serious good-faith sit-downs, not just in some winter meetings. They could gradually increase or decrease the salary cap, whichever. St. Louis is a great hockey town. We've been in the playoffs -- what? -- 26 years in a row, and maybe this year could be our year."

Trish "Spud" Nijkamp
Novelty Toy Tester, The Whammo Company
"It's a huge bummer. I've tried to scratch the itch by watching Australian Rules football. Too confusing. Tried to get into jai alai, live from São Paulo -- they never really 'wanna go,' know what I mean? There's just no substitute for the brute force of hockey. Give me a slapshot whizzing toward the net, give me a fearless goalie, give me blood on the ice."

 
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