By Lindsay Toler
By Chad Garrison
By Allison Babka
By Lindsay Toler
By Jake Rossen
By Lindsay Toler
By Kelsey McClure
By Lindsay Toler
October is widely considered to be St. Louis' most splendid month, and not without reason. But until recently Unreal was unaware that October is also National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And National Popcorn Poppin' Month.
And National Orgasm Month. At least according to Cincinnati-based Pure Romance, peddler of "bedroom accessories." (You know, the kind of stuff Unreal's Aunt Doris probably still "hides" at the bottom of her sock drawer.)
Unreal put in a call to Pure Romance president and CEO Patty Brisben to get her take on this harmonic convergence.
Unreal: Have you approached the Bush administration or members of Ohio's Congressional delegation about officially declaring October National Orgasm Month?
Patty Brisben: I don't think anybody has gone to Congress trying to push this particular holiday. I think it's more of a fun type of holiday. I'm sure Bush is celebrating, too. We can only hope he's having an orgasm every now and then.
October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Which is more vital to one's health: getting laid like a regular at Plato's Retreat or not being hit regularly by your spouse?
We really work with couples out there with their relationships, because domestic violence needs to be out of here. Nobody, male or female, should be hit.
What if they're into S&M?
S&M is in a category by itself. This is something where you really need to have a trust factor going before you start participating.
Do you prefer to eat popcornau naturel or with butter and salt?
You know I'm gonna like all the bad things, so butter and salt.
October is also National Popcorn Poppin' Month. Which is better for the healthy, sex-lovin' orgasm haver to ingest: movie-theater popcorn butter or semen?
I would prefer maybe a little semen with my popcorn, but don't worry about the calories. Because if you are having great sex with all those orgasms, you can afford to eat a little bit more.
Is constant, passionate, climax-laden sex a reasonable cardiovascular substitute for, say, a morning run, lap swim or brisk walk?
I would prefer it, and I think a lot of people would prefer it over a morning run or a swim. You need a little individual time for yourself, but instead of spending the morning at the gym, take one morning and use this as a substitute.
Just one morning?
I'd prefer two, but you have to start somewhere.
Unreal's dream was fulfilled last Friday night, when we got to hang out at the presidential debate. Those fools running the show over at Washington University, a.k.a. the Harvard of Clayton, were foolish enough to issue us a press credential.
It wasn't enough to provide access to the "Town Hall" itself, but it did get us into the "Hospitality Tent" pitched out behind the field house, where Anheuser-Busch plied members of the fourth estate with all manner of grilled delicacies. These we eschewed in favor of the free souvenir beer mug and the free souvenir beer to pour into it, the former distributed by a gaggle of hired models, the latter by an ex-Mississippi River tugboat pilot.
Suitably stoked, we joined about 600 of our fellow "journalists" in the media area, a gymnasium equipped with several dozen television monitors and access to what George W. Bush would soon quaintly refer to as "the Internets." As the debate unfolded, we were visited every ten minutes or so by a Bush campaign worker named Angie, who distributed a series of "Breaking Debate Facts" rebutting assertions by rival candidate John Kerry but who refused Unreal's offer of $5 (subsequently upped to $10) for her spiffy-looking "W" hat.
After the debate the gym doubled as the infamous Spin Alley, where the heaviest of political heavy hitters gathered, faking optimism and telling the media sheep what to think. For Unreal this presented an unparalleled opportunity to do what we do best: Ask important people stupid questions.
Look, there's Claire McCaskill!
Unreal: If the Cardinals and the Red Sox get to the World Series, could this be an issue that tears the Democratic party apart?
Claire McCaskill: You know what? That is really a big problem. It's enough to make me pout about Senator Kerry. He needs to get on board. I can see a major split coming if we don't get him over from the dark side.
And...who's that? Why, it's Wash. U. chancellor Mark Wrighton!
Unreal: Have you given any consideration to having students' looks play into the application process? Shouldn't better-looking coeds have a better chance to get in?
Mark Wrighton: I haven't heard of that concept. I think we do the best we can to recruit really talented people--
Talent, meaning, like, looks?
They're interested in the arts, in medicine....
Unreal: How exactly does John Kerry know how much money Charlie Gibson makes?
Terry McAuliffe: When they pay people like Mr. [Howard] Stern $500 million to go on radio [momentarily distracted, turning to surrounding lackeys]....We've gotta get in this radio business! [Lackeys laugh]