Turkey Gone Wild

We raise a glass to everyone's favorite Thanksgiving spirit, imagine Tofurky dinner at the White House and eat one hundred T-ravs. Plus: Where in the world is Floyd Crues?

That dude Tim "Eater X" Janus with the Chef Boyardee mustache and "war paint"? He's making hourly as a day trader what you make monthly! No way was he trying to win.

And 395-pound rapper Eric "Badlands" Booker -- so what if he could curl you one-handed? He's a former this-and-that champion, a total has-been.

This time you had it.

You nailed a good seat between Arkansas rookie Shawn C. and 24-year-old Lou native Felix C. (Way to hang on when he started lurching!)

You got dirty, flinging that red sauce to and fro.

And when, three minutes into the twelve-minute contest, you thought your jaw was about to snap, you remembered suffering through beer-goggled Saturday sleepovers with your old college flame, and you hung in there. (Exes are good for something!)

Thing is, Janus, that rascal, massaged those puppies with Lipton Brisk to soften 'em up. Badlands stayed "Hungry and Focused," like the title of his memoir. And the Widow fucking inhaled.

Sad to say, your pound and a half -- a hundred T-ravs! -- wasn't nearly enough.

Maybe next time you'll remember the sweats, the shakes, the shits, the unsavory post-contest belch-a-thon. Maybe next time you'll read this.

Better yet, maybe next time you'll be yourself, Unreal: Try to lose.

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