By Jeremy Essig
By Jason Robinson
By Hans Morgenstern
By Joseph Hess
By Peter Gilstrap
By Julia Burch
By Jeremy Essig
By Nathan Smith
And then it became clear.
Schlafly should have its own jingle done up Cream style, because they go together so perfectly. Check this out:
"Schlaaaaaflyyyyy! That's beer, baby! Schlaaaaaflyyyyy! Pour me another, lady! The beer that gets us out of work! The beer you reach for first, when you want to put off work!"
To be honest, we won't know if we called Clapton, et al., until the long-distance bill comes next month. And we don't know if we really called Schlafly and howled our proposed jingle at them or if we imagined it. What we do know is that we sold the new Disraeli Gears and bought another sextet of Schlafly Porter with the proceeds, and that the "Falstaff" jingle is stuck on infinite repeat in the office stereo. Oh, and that the Motherfucking Cream still rules. Cheers, mates. -- Paul Friswold
Fa La La La La
This time of year, magazines are rife with tips on throwing "the can't-miss holiday party of the season!" They tell you how to get guests to attend (uh, alcohol), but they never tell you how to get people to leave. Reclaim the home turf with these buzz-kill party enders:
Gordon Lightfoot, "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald": What do you get when you mix a freak storm with a maritime disaster and 29 bodies frozen to death in Lake Superior? Why, the last song your guests will hear before grabbing their coats. Clocking in at six and a half minutes, Gordon Lightfoot's 1975 epic drags on longer than the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald itself. It's part funeral march, part history textbook, all anti-party. But thanks for coming!
Suzanne Vega, "Luka": "Speaking of domestic violence, do you have any more punch?" is something your guests will not ask after this song ends. Relationship abuse really has a way of bumming people out -- helpful when calling it a night. Belting out lyrics and forming a conga line? Bad. Awkward silence while contemplating their own neighbors? Good. Bye.
Patsy Cline, "Crazy": Especially effective on drunk, overly sentimental singles, Patsy Cline is a ringer. Being single during the holidays can be brutal, but being dumped during the holidays is worse. Commercials never show people giving themselves a stunning diamond tennis bracelet. Misery might love company, but when your company gets miserable, the company goes home. Dabbing their eyes with your festive holiday napkins.
If all else fails, have the life works of perennial sad girl Tori Amos, decidedly unfunny Insane Clown Posse or spooky Brit Gary Glitter nearby. And cheer up! It's Christmas. -- Kristie McClanahan