Oh, Brio!

Unreal enjoys seasonal cocktails with lovely divorcees, learns of a new no-tolerance policy at a local elementary school and shares a make-out queen's Blog o' the Week; plus, how does Bryan Burwell really feel?

--Associated Press, December 16, 2004

The roots of the Thurgood Marshall Academy handcuffing scandal lie not in the disciplinary inclinations of a few school administrators but in a decision, approved last year by school principal Sam Morgan, to create a highly secret operation aimed at the interrogation and forcible re-education of all five-year-olds who have not yet mastered the alphabet.

Unreal has obtained a top-secret memo detailing Morgan's operation -- known inside the teachers' lounge by several code names, including Operation Doo Doo. The memo outlines a strict regimen of physical coercion and humiliation to promote proper penmanship and spelling. Written in brick-red crayon on a Big Chief writing tablet, the missive commands all hall monitors, teachers' aides and cafeteria workers to interrogate so-called "high fecal content targets" (HFCTs).

Among Morgan's interrogation techniques listed in the block-lettered memo:

Any child caught removing the crust from his or her bread will be made to stand in the corner, hooded, with arms extended.

All children who fail to master the cursive letter "Z" by the end of the first semester of second grade will be confined to a broom closet until they "remember" the difference between a cursive "Z" and a cursive "J."

Third-graders who fail to understand the rectitude of the sentence structures contained in See Spot Run shall be locked in the gymnasium with German shepherd police dogs.

There will be a zero-tolerance policy on children who wet or shit their pants. Any child caught doing this will be handcuffed to a tetherball pole.

A senior cafeteria worker, confirming the authenticity of the memo, said the operation stemmed from Morgan's deep-seated embarrassment over never being properly potty-trained. "Sam thought his dyslexia was bed-wetting based," says the chow-hall employee. "He said he wanted to 'scare them straight.'"

Hot Stove Hysterics

From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch
By Bryan Burwell
December 17, 2004

Nuclear winter is upon us, I tell you. That's how it feels now as we watch Walt Jocketty's best-laid offseason plans disintegrate in front of him.... Jocketty is usually the smartest man in the room when it comes to the art of the baseball deal. So how odd was it to see one of the shrewdest men in baseball with egg all over his face?

From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch
By Bryan Burwell
December 26, 2004

Jocketty's patient approach is like watching a gambler who never sweats, twitches or shows his hand until the final moment. Every year, he finds a way to be the Cardinals' true most valuable player.

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