Whippet Good!

We get super-high on nitrous -- but we don't quite reach the altitude of Harry Bonecipher's eXXXclusive in-flight adultery club. Plus, say hello to a local blogger who just can't get enough Winona.

Dr. Louis Ignarro was in town yesterday to promote his book, NO More Heart Disease. Perusing his press release, Unreal couldn't believe our stunning hazel eyes: This professor of pharmacology at UCLA's School of Medicine won the Nobel Prize for Medicine in 1998 for "his findings on relationship with Nitric Oxide and cardiovascular health." Say what? Unreal's been riding high on nitric's neurological gravy train for years now. Who knew it was so frickin' healthy?

Unreal: During one late-night experience with nitric oxide, we engaged in a series of Ultraman triathlons, scaled Alaska's Mt. Foraker and then engaged in a sweaty tantric sex experience with Adriana Lima and Orlando Bloom. When we came to, we were sprawled across the floor with our roommate's jelly sandal in our mouth. Are youpositive nitric oxide leads to cardiovascular health?

Dr. Louis Ignarro: I think you've summed up the pharmacology of nitric oxide right there in a nutshell. Nitric oxide is such an important signaling molecule in the body. It's a vasodilator, meaning that it improves blood flow to organs and helps to keep blood pressure down. Also, it opens up the blood vessels in the erectile tissues, so it allows the tissue to fill up with blood to a greater extent. And that's what your erectile response is all about. This research led a major pharmaceutical company to develop Viagra.

Does it follow, then, that dental assistants and undergrads in chemistry labs are the world's healthiest people?

Well, actually, I'm glad you asked that question. The nitric oxide that I'm talking about is different than nitrousoxide, which is laughing gas. Nitric oxide -- or NO -- is one chemical, while nitrous oxide -- N2O -- is a very different chemical. If you're not a scientist, one can get very confused between the two.

Buzzkill! So sniffing glue probably isn't healthy, and sniffing super glue probably doesn't get you "super"-ripped, either.

No, it's a completely different chemical. The nitric oxide we're talking about doesn't have any odor and doesn't produce any of those effects.

We have a friend who's an advocate of the "cocaine, ephedra and crunches" slim-down regimen. Seriously. How effective do you think that'd be?

Cocaine is very very dangerous, of course. It's going to stimulate your nervous system and produce all kinds of effects. There's no question that drugs that stimulate certain areas of the brain will curb your appetite, but drugs like amphetamines or cocaine stimulate the function of the heart way beyond healthy levels. That can cause electrical disturbances in the heart. You can get a heart attack. The best way to stimulate your heart and keep it healthy is plain-old exercise.

Whatevs.

Spread the word!

LOCAL BLOG O' THE WEEK

"'Dear Winona':& Other Stories from St. Louis!"

www.the-jersey-lilly-of-clutterbuck.com

Author: Michael Adams

About the blogger: Adams dubs himself "The Bard of Richmond Heights" and a "musician thinker humorist photographer." His nontraditional blog details his obsessions with Winona Ryder, '80s hair bands and his own neuroses. Many entries recommend particular fonts and background music for more enjoyable reading.

Recent Highlight (undated):

Michael Discusses His Favorite Winona Movies

1) Squaredance (1987)

This movie would have fallen into complete obscurity, if not for the fact that it was Winona's first starring role.

Hell, it has pretty much fallen into obscurity anyhow!

Maybe that's fortunate for Winona, because she plays this little 13 year-old Bible-thumping hick in overalls. With a Texas "twang", too!

I don't know if this piece of slow-moving celluoid had theatrical release, or of it was made straight-for-television, but the original title was "Home is Where the Heart Is" which did not belie the fact of exploding cars.

In any case, it portrays a forgotten, aching rural America of farm foreclosures, yellow grass, droughts and an over-all whithering in the dawn of Reagan's "morning in America" where no one got anywhere except for fat cats, televangelists, and insider-traders.

The camera is grainy, the budget is slim, and the tone is hopeful as you soak up the marginality found in pure cornbread Americana.

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

 
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