Great Bowels Afire

Unreal shills for Boeing (in song!), gets the straight poop on irritable bowel syndrome and sniffs out a local blogger. Plus: Is this billboard for a childhood center -- or a hot new album?

For the record, Unreal enjoys robust and healthy bowel movements. Hell, as we write this we're atop the throne for our scheduled 9 a.m. dropoff.

But not everyone is so lucky. Nearly a million Americans suffer inflammatory bowel diseases such as Crohn's disease and colitis, which can turn one of life's simple pleasures into an experience akin to shittin' shrapnel. Looking to learn more about these disorders, Unreal caught up with Dr. Christian Stone, director of Inflammatory Bowel Diseases at the Washington University School of Medicine.

Unreal:Wow, what a title! How do you introduce yourself at cocktail parties?

Dr. Christian Stone, director of Inflammatory Bowel Diseases at the Washington University School of Medicine: I'm part of the Division of Gastroenterology, and I just so happen to focus on IBDs. But I'm also an assistant professor at the School of Medicine, so I can introduce myself that way too.

What's the usual response when people learn of your specialty?

I guess it depends on the crowd. Generally there's an interest there, but it is something many people feel uncomfortable discussing.

Why's that?

Often patients feel it's a personal thing. The symptoms can be embarrassing: abdominal pain, diarrhea and bloody diarrhea.

How do you know you have an IBD and you're not just experiencing the ill effects of last night's Taco Bell?

Good question. Generally if the symptoms are persistent for a few days, you should see a doctor and perhaps have a colonoscopy. Most people are diagnosed with an IBD between the ages of 15 and 30.

But aren't colonoscopies painful? I mean, you're going right up the poop-chute with that thing.

Most people experience little discomfort. We give them a moderate sedative during the procedure. The night before, they've taken an oral solution to clean out their bowels, so most people are pretty hungry when we're finished. They usually go home and have a big meal.

We're all in favor of sedatives! And you gotta put that colon right back to work, huh?

Exactly.

Sales Pitch

Thanks to our lifetime subscription to Jane's Defence Weekly, Unreal learned recently that the United States has approved the sale of 126 U.S.-made fighter jets to India. Still unresolved, however, is the matter of who gets to manufacture the jets. The Indians are leaning toward Lockheed-Martin's reliable F-16. Which is fine, but kind of staid, if you ask Unreal. But they're also considering two St. Louis-made Boeing models: the smooth and steady F/A-18 Super Hornet and the Cadillac of fighters, the F-15 Strike Eagle.

We're talking about our futurehere, people! In case you hadn't noticed, St. Louis is pissing away jobs like an incontinent racehorse.

But never fear: Unreal has composed a song designed to inspire the Indians to go with Bo'. When representatives from the Indian government come to visit the plant, we call upon Boeing workers to lift up their voices in passionate unison.

"We Love the Indians"
(to the tune of "We Are the Champions") Boeing builds jets
To conquer Kashmir
Turn your enemies
Into palak paneer

Lockheed F-16s?
Don't make us laugh
Our Hornets and Eagles will blow their asses up
Leave nothing but crap

[Chorus:] We love the Indians, our friends
And we'll build them fighters, screw Pakistan
We love the Indians
We love all Hindis
No time for Muslims
'Cause we love the Indians -- of the world!

Okay, they're not cheap
Cost you much moolah
But ours are technologically superior
The grand poobah

And what's more important --
A few million bucks?
When you think of the future of the whole human race
And Pakistan sucks.

[Repeat chorus]

If Billboards Could Talk

In this advertisement for Kim's Kids Early Childhood Centers, viewable on I-70 eastbound near the Grand and Salisbury exits, a cadre of confident teachers in matching outfits eschew the nurturing posture of most childcare advertisements, favoring instead the "album cover with oversize crayon in background" look.

Which raises the question: If the woman on the far left could talk, what would she be saying?

A) "Girl, you look good! Won't you back that ass up?"

B) "Oh no, she didn't! Nuh-uh."

C) "If I caught one of my kids backin' that ass up during a billboard photo shoot, that ass would become acquainted with a leather belt."

LOCAL BLOG O' THE WEEK

"My Dog Can Blog?"

www.mydogcanblog.com

Author:Jennifer

About the blogger: Jennifer has many, many pets and also works with animals. Her job requires her to clean filthy dog cages on a regular basis.

Recent Highlight (April 19, 2005):Has anyone tried Demeter scents? I was going to order some samples off of ebay and I need to narrow my list down. I was wondering everyone's opinion, the good the bad and the ugly. Just to get things started, here's my list (I'm horrible at describing scent so it's more like I like it/I don't like it):

Wet Garden: My favorite.

Dirt: Not bad but would be a better men's cologne.

Ocean: Pretty weird, all I know is I don't want to smell like this.

Dandelion: It's on the cusp of me liking it.

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