Sea Changes

The Post goes pirate, our talking billboards return in a big, nerdy way, and a local blogger condemns snobby metrosexuals. Plus, Unreal asks the question on everyone's mind: "Is white trash deserving of nannies?"

 Lee Enterprises flagship St. Louis Post-Dispatch will keep its longstanding liberal editorial slant for at least the next five years, according to the purchase agreement mailed to Pulitzer shareholders Friday.

"For a period of at least five years following the Effective Time, Parent (Lee Enterprises) will cause the St. Louis Post-Dispatch to maintain its current name and editorial page platform statement and to maintain its news and editorial headquarters in the City of St. Louis, Missouri," the agreement states.

Editor & Publisher, May 13, 2005

Iowa-based newspaper conglomerate Lee Enterprises plans some dramatic changes for its flagship Post-Dispatch once the first five years of its sale agreement with Pulitzer Inc. are up, said a top Lee executive who asked not to be named.

Foremost among the alterations: a name change and physical move across the Mississippi River.

Editorial headquarters will move to Collinsville, Illinois, said the Lee source. The paper will be renamed the Collinsville Cannon and focus almost exclusively on issues surrounding maritime warfare and barter -- with special attention paid to the career of the legendary pirate "One-Eyed" Jack Sparrow.

"Mostly what readers can expect are in-depth analyses of gunpowder, 'Sword of the Month' features and a probe into why Sparrow preferred hoop earrings over the less-unwieldy diamond stud," the source said.

Political reporter Jo Mannies will likely be reassigned to a beat involving research of good and bad monarchies of medieval times and their impact on seafaring policy, while music editor Kevin C. Johnson's first assignment will be an investigative report on which brand of rum Sparrow referred to when he climbed the mainmast and sang, "Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum," according to the Lee source.

The source says that Cliff Froehlich, editor of the Post's "Get Out!" weekly tab, lives in Collinsville, so he will be the Cannon's gossip columnist, replacing Deb Peterson, who will be reassigned to the "Everyday" section's couture beat (hint: frilled shirts and clam-diggers are garments for all seasons). In his new capacity, Froehlich will be restricted to covering the exploits of local celebrity pirates.

"I'm not sure if I know any local celebrity pirates," said Froehlich, who was informed of the potential changes while covering The Longest Yard premiere this past Sunday at the Tivoli in University City. "But I can't wait to get acquainted with some!"

If Billboards Could Talk

In this week's installment, Unreal presents a hee-larious advertisement for Highland, Illinois-based ESS Data Recovery, viewable westbound near Exchange Avenue in East St. Louis where Interstates 55, 64 and 70 conjoin to form a great big mess o' cars. What, then, is the self-proclaimed nerd on the left mumbling to his tanner lab-mate between takes?

A) "Jessica Rabbit is way hotter than Lara Croft. She's more ladylike, and has super-tidy gazongas."

B) "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

C) "This one time at computer camp I glued some of my chest hairs to a floppy disk and shoved it in the A drive and a photograph of a shirtless Ernest Borgnine in a sailor's cap and coffee-stained wifebeater mysteriously appeared on my monitor. Wonder what that's supposed to mean."

Who's Your Nanny?

Looking to control our temper tantrums (and a spate of recent bed-wettings), Unreal dropped by a casting call last week for the FOX reality TV show Nanny 911.

In the foyer of Westfield Shoppingtown West County, we ran across Lori Dalton, a St. Charles mother of three (ages two to sixteen) who's hoping a parachuting nanny might transform her humble home.

Unreal: Why did you have children if you're not prepared for them?

Lori Dalton: I love having kids. But when you first want to have kids, you don't realize the challenges that await you.

On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst, how bad a parent are you?

I'm a pretty permissive parent. I have an amiable personality and just want us all to get along. I'm not much of a disciplinarian, so I'm not sure how I'd rank.

How awful are your kids?

They're pretty average. I'd say they're a five. I know kids who are a lot worse.

Why would you want a withered old English nanny to baby-sit the kids and not a hot Dago housekeeper like Scott Baio in Charles in Charge or Tony Danza in Who's the Boss?

First of all, I love the English accent. Secondly, those guys are not educated in child development. I doubt Scott Baio has helped many children -- maybe a lot of women, but not many children.

Is white trash deserving of nannies?

Sure they are. But to tell you the truth, I think more upper-class people have trouble disciplining their children. Those kids have free rein -- to money, vehicles, whatever they want.

What happens if you don't get chosen for Nanny 911? Will you sell the kids?

Oh, I don't care. We just came to the mall to get my son's hair cut.

And where is he now?

Oh, he went to go have a cigarette.

LOCAL BLOG O' THE WEEK

"thought alarm"

thoughtalarm.blogspot.com

Author: fredsnickname

About the blogger: "I'm a working stiff. That's right. I work downtown at a bank, doing IT consulting. How's that for cliche? Ever seen 'Office Space'? I'm that guy."

Recent Highlight (May 11, 2005): I recognized something about myself today. About a month ago my office hired a loud shirt + pin stripped pants wearing meterosexual. What's more, he's pretty much the only other single guy in my area -- competition. I've disliked this guy from the start but I wasn't really sure why, until today. At first I thought it was his aggressive posturing via various bold pink and purple button downs in order to get the ladies' attention. Yes, his heightened sense of fashion and acceptance of bold colors is intimidating to a fashion novice such as myself, but what puts it over the top is he never talks to anyone and wont say "hi" to anyone. And I just think that's a shitty combo.

There, I've said it.

And I'm no meterophobe. We have another guy who is also pretty metero. To me he's just like the black doctor Miranda from "Sex and the City" was dating. This guy could have been a model or something -- he's one of those beautiful people -- and he's very stylish. But, he talks to people. When he passes someone in the hall he says "hi". It makes me feel good that such a beautiful human would even acknowledge me. What's more, he he seems happy to do so. But that other metero...well, he's just an ass. And don't tell me he's too shy or new to say hi. First, he's been here a month. Second, who wears looks like they just feel out of an Urban Outfitters catalogue AND is shy? I don't buy that. He just thinks he's too cool for school around here.

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

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