By Roy Kasten
By Kris Wernowsky
By Chaz Kangas
By Joseph Hess
By Julie Seabaugh
By Mike Appelstein
By Rachel Brodsky
By Kelsey McClure
Most rock critics, like most rockers, drink. Sometimes to excess. Maybe it's the pain of being misunderstood, of championing real music to uncaring masses. Or maybe they're just lushes who like the easy hours of rock-writin'. Either way, beneath a lot of black-rimmed glasses lie bloodshot eyes, and under vintage T-shirts you'll find some battle-scarred livers. But Jesus juice isn't the only thing that can befuddle the senses of Lester Bangs wannabes. They might get dopey at night with the tonsil polish, but during the day, critics get smashed on hype. While most scribes want you to think that they stand alone, spurning the words of others and forging their own musical tastes in the fires of their very soul, the evidence says otherwise. Like a fellow who takes a flask of vodka into the office with him, critics like to hide their imbibing (and, let it be said: This critic is no better than the rest). Like prisoners with orange peel-fueled pruno under their cot, critics make their own hype.
And hype, like hooch, has the unfortunate tendency to make you fall in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with, at least for a little while. Sauced, you might hop into the sack with Scarlett Johansson only to wake up with Darth Sidious. But with a pair of buzz-goggles you fall for a "playful, post-modern pastiche" and learn in the morning that you got double-teamed by the Darkness and Har Mar Superstar. When their senses clear, critics strike out at their former beaus with a passion. You can call it backlash, but it's really a hype hangover.
Who are we going to be ashamed of in '06? Who will be our Streets, our Hives? Let's try to sober up and figure it out. With shaky hands and some black coffee, let's take a look at six of the hype bands of the moment, take off the buzz blinders and see the musicians for what they are. Don't forget to drink lots of water.
With the hype goggles on: "The one key definite about M.I.A.'s Arular is that it's the best kind of pop album imaginable. It can be enjoyed on a purely physical level, and it also carries the potential to adjust your worldview." -- Allmusic.com
How to tell you're buzzed:No matter what they are, an artist's politics do not make music better.
In the morning: Like the formerly overhyped Streets, M.I.A.'s worldly roots (Sri Lankan descent, London address) mask a far more normal talent than critics give her credit for. While mildly enjoyable when not actively irritating, Arular is unlikely to leave a lasting impression on dance music, much less world politics. Nothing to be ashamed of, but probably not the marrying type.
With the hype goggles on: "'Never As Tired As When I'm Waking Up' is a near-brilliant pastiche of both White Album Beatles and Dark Side Floyd, with only its telegraphed George Harrison lead-guitar riff at the end and chord progression ripped from 'Dear Prudence' keeping it from making as grand an emotional impact as it might." -- PitchforkMedia.com
How to tell you're buzzed: Sober critics do not make Beatles references lightly, even if a band is ripping them off.
In the morning:The dance punk-meets-Daft Punk style keeps your Saturday nights grooving for now, but chances are these beats will age like warm milk.
With the hype goggles on:"The Clash. Joy Division. The Smiths. Talking Heads. Rock bands all that just happened to infuse their respective music with elements of disco and funk. Fab British foursome Bloc Party has the same rhythmic sensibility." -- Billboard
How to tell you're buzzed: Using four kings of underground rock (and a needless Beatles reference!) to make a point about "rhythmic sensibility" is the worst type of hype-mongering.
In the morning: When Bloc Party isn't able to stand under the weight of these monstrous expectations, a totally undeserved backlash will come, leaving another good band splayed by hype.
Artist:System of a Down
With the hype goggles on: "But at its reckless best, which is a lot, Mezmerize is a thrilling confrontation, a graphic reflection of a nation tearing itself apart in anger, rage and guilt." -- Rolling Stone
How to tell you're buzzed: Any description of an album that could also be used to describe a Michael Moore film doesn't have anything to do with how good an album is.
In the morning: Left-wing lyrics in rock are just about as common as guitars in rock. That leaves SOAD's off-kilter metal to set them apart, and it's really pretty middle-of-the-road.
Artist:The Fiery Furnaces
Album:Blueberry Boat & EP
With the hype goggles on: "If you don't like Blueberry Boat, I don't like you. It's no longer a matter of taste, other than the fact that I have good taste, whereas you, Fiery Furnaces-hater, do not. Don't have time to take in the full sweeping grandeur of Blueberry Boat's 80 minutes? I have no respect for your calendar priorities." -- PitchforkMedia.com