Get Baked

Unreal performs a public service for the revelers of Party Cove, meets a guy who's really into whips and finds happiness with a Hazelwood man's Back Washer. Plus, we surf over to the blog of a local cereal connoisseur.

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

The Father of Invention

For most of us, Unreal included, a truly satisfying Eureka! moment comes along once in a red moon.

But the tap water must run gold in Hazelwood. In the past month, inventors in that northern 'burb have filed patent papers for 1) the Vacuum Cleaner Rechargeable Pack and 2) the Back Washer!

Incredulous, we placed a few calls in search of inspiration. And so Unreal is proud to present the wit and wisdom of 64-year-old Billy P. Reid, inventor of the Back Washer, doubtless coming soon to an infomercial near you.

Describe the creative process that led to your revolutionary invention.

My wife washes my back. We wash each other's back. And then I developed a little arthritis. And sometimes she be busy. And that's where the idea come up: to have something to wash your back when the wife couldn't. We're still working on it.

Do you sit on the side of the tub while she washes?

Oh, no, no, no. I stand.

Does she ever jump into the shower?

Oh, yes! That's how we all started washing each other's back.

Really! What else did you wash?

[Laughs] We wash each other's back.

How many fingers will the back washer have?

Oh, the back washer don't have fingers. It's a machine-like washing. And it massages and scratches. It's all rigged up.

Hmmmm. Is this product safe for use by a threesome?

Noooo, ma'am.

How often do people really wash their backs, though?

You can't get lazy -- you'll get all kinds of blackheads and your wife'll have to bust 'em up. We used to bust each other's blackheads.

What other inventions are in Billy Reid's pipeline?

Well, I have something that I call "Monday Night Football Shower." I can't explain that too much.

Too bad! How about a butt washer?

I don't think that would be necessary.

Because it's easier to clean your butt than your back?

It's better to clean your tail. But you clean your tail yourself.

Eureka!

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