Hard Times Ahead

Unreal gets all hot and bothered over some very special plants (and a rather steamy billboard) and finds the key to St. Louis' revival. Plus, a local blogger is driven mad by public breastfeeding.

Is it Unreal's imagination, or is the ficus before us blooming with erotic possibility? No, it must be our newly adopted regimen of Hot Plants, a libido-enhancing botanical supplement developed by University of Massachusetts-Amherst "Explorer-in-Residence" Chris Kilham.

Combining herbal aphrodisiacs from around the globe, the 52-year-old "medicine hunter" promises his pills will shift your sex drive into overdrive. For those of us wanting more action and more info, Kilham has recently penned the accompanying book, Hot Plants: Nature's Proven Sex Boosters for Men and Women. Our thumbs greening, Unreal recently got Kilham on the line for some sexual healing.

Unreal: So, what are Hot Plants?

University of Massachusetts-Amherst "Explorer-in-Residence" Chris Kilham: Hot Plants are proven sex-enhancing plants from India, China, parts of the Amazon, the Middle East -- all over the place. I spent ten years traveling all over the world investigating different plants that have significant benefits from a sexual standpoint.

Sounds like you do some pretty hands-on research.

Among other things, yes. You can't really know a plant unless you put it in your body. If a plant is supposed to give energy, well, I want to find out. If it's a sexual enhancer, I want to know. I can say that it really isn't that much fun to be completely horny on the road in a foreign country, but I've certainly been horny on every continent.

Do you travel solo, or do you have a traveling companion?

I've done both. I prefer to travel with my girlfriend, but I've traveled solo a great deal in the course of doing this research. That's been challenging.

You sound like the ultimate sex tourist.

You know, I'm not. I'm really focused on the plants, versus, say, sex shows. While I'm interested in the different sexual-cultural things of particular countries, that's not my focus. I'm really about the plants and giving people something other than potentially very dangerous drugs to help improve their sex lives.

Speaking of those drugs: Viagra can deliver a 36-hour erection. What will Hot Plants do for me?

The difference is that most of the Hot Plants enhance your body's natural capacity for sexual activity, so whenever you want it, you're ready. It's not like: "Oh God! I need to take this pill, because it looks like I'm going to get lucky in an hour."

Do some of the indigenous people that you've traveled among have better sex lives than, say, your average couple from Akron?

I don't know. I think that in the United States we're comparatively uptight and voyeuristic relative to some of the cultures I've seen.

So are you pretty much horny 24/7?

I do okay for a 52-year-old guy. I feel like I have the libido of a twenty-year-old, which sometimes is very annoying. But I definitely feel pretty vital that way. There's no such thing as a placebo erection.

LOCAL BLOG O' THE WEEK

"The Mindset of a Champion"

www.byroncrawford.com

Author:Bol Guevara, MD, along with other contributors

About the blogger: Guevara writes as his alter ego, Brother Byron Crawford, a born-again ex-boozer.

Recent Highlight (June 10, 2005):

Now, it's my opinion that there's never, ever, at any point, an excuse for a woman to be breastfeeding a child in public. If the baby is hungry, then it needs be fed before it leaves the house. If the baby is out of the house long enough that it needs to be fed again, then it needs to be returned to wherever it came from. After all, it's a baby, not a camel. If, for some sort of unforseen reason, the baby is out and can't wait until it's home to be fed, then that needs to take place in a restroom just like any other activity that involves the whipping out of nasty bits.

No homo, of course, on the fact that I don't want to see any women's boobs in public unless it's costing me at least a dollar (not counting the $10 surcharge), but it's been my experience that there's no such thing as a hot woman that breastfeeds. As can be seen above, any time you see a woman with her tit in a kid's mouth, it's some big, floppy, pale thing, not to mention the possibility of spotting one that's got motherfucking hair on it. Now that's just wrong!

You would think that it might occur to these so-called lactivists that if they were really looking to sway people's opinions to the cause of public breastfeeding, that they might go and find the 30 best-looking titties in town and have them all out on display instead, but that's women for you: They're so wrapped up in their cause that they can't even make a titty look good.

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

Elms Away

J.P. Hansel is wild about elm trees. The executive director and founder of New Hampshire's Elm Research Institute says elms are key to reviving any city center. And since our city center could use a little sprucing up, Unreal gave him a jingle.

Unreal: Is there any way we can go off speakerphone?

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