Everybody's Doing It

Unreal plays fair with an all-inclusive sex survey and celebrates the St. Louis Centre skybridge's dramatic relocation to the Loop

A few weeks back, Unreal pulled out our notebook at a party for BBWs -- that's Big Beautiful Women -- and asked 'em how they like to do it.

An odd question on its face, certainly, over stuffed mushrooms and soda.

In this case, however, some of the women were slinging back Jell-O shots. All cheerily professed to be fat, happy and overstuffed with self-confidence. They noted that earlier that day they'd attended a "safe sex" seminar!

Dan Zettwoch

Well, we recounted the encounter in print -- and the hate mail poured in like hot fudge on a fat man's sundae. From around the world!

Most of it was boilerplate blubbering. But some of our more thoughtful correspondents larded their invective with constructive criticism.

Such as a Big Handsome Man from South Carolina, who wrote, "You did a wonderful job of bashing the BBWs in your fair city. Why not work your wonders on other groups in town?"

A Canuck from up Alberta way got specific, noting the lack of journalistic inquiry into the sex habits of (among others) homosexuals, the disabled, sufferers of AIDS or Tourette's Syndrome, African Americans, Jews, Scientologists, marathoners and Australian rules rugby players.

The least Unreal could do was give it a shot.

Our methodology was simple: We phoned or approached our subjects in person, told them we were querying a bunch of different folks about sexual diversity and asked...

Unreal: How do Catholics like to fuck?

Cecilia: Normal Catholics: man on woman! Me, I like the top, where you can mmm-mmm. [Throws an arm up and thrusts her pelvis toward the man beside her.]

Unreal: How do St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department officers like to fuck?

South-side detective: Doggy style!

Unreal: How do black women like to fuck?

Nikkie: Doggy style, baby!

Unreal: How do Log Cabin Republicans of Greater St. Louis like to fuck?

Charles: I'll have to talk with my executive board. But we'll give you an answer. I've gotten a lot of calls about a lot of things, but this is definitely the best. Wait a minute. I'm going to get my national field director on the line.

[Pause.]

Jeff: This is Jeff.

Hey, Jeff. How do Log Cabin Republicans of Greater St. Louis like to fuck?

Jeff: [Pause.] Interesting.

Charles: What do you think, Jeff?

Jeff: I don't think that's the best place for Log Cabins to be commenting.

I guess it's gonna look like you don't do it, then.

Charles: OK. I don't "have sex." I'm "in a relationship." There, that's it.

You don't have sex.

Charles: Well, are the Stonewall Democrats doing it?

Unreal: How do Gateway Stonewall Democrats like to fuck?

A.J.: Wow. How do they like to suck?

No, "fuck": F-U-C-K.

Oh, wow. You put me on the spot here. How do they like to fuck.

Yes, How do your people like to fuck?

[Pause.] Liberally.

Could you elaborate on that?

I wouldn't dare. That's the only thing I can think of that could cover everyone.

You could get a little more graphic.

I couldn't speak for everyone. But it is funny. Don't get me wrong on that.

Well, at least we know you guys do it.

Doesn't everybody?

Unreal: How do Broadway Oyster Bar waiters like to fuck?

Bubba: I really don't do anal, because you get poo on your dick. I haven't done anal since '95. You can also put in there that I like to vomit on people for foreplay.

Unreal: How do Saint Louis Symphony Orchestra musicians like to fuck?

Maria: That's, like, a whole article! Various instruments in the orchestra have different styles. Brass players are usually really macho guys, pretty down and dirty -- the doggy-style people. Wind players, they're a little bit more methodical. They research all types of positions. And they're always worried about our preparation. The string players are the smokers, and they're involved in recreational drugs, so they like to have some form of additional substance involved, be it alcohol, drugs or whatever. And conductors, no comment. I have no idea on that one!

Unreal: How do Chicanas like to fuck?

Alice: In the backseat of a '54 Chevy low-rider. Him on his knees or me on mine, or my legs over the front seat of the car! Sideways, sliders, whatever's comfortable. And panties off -- 'til the policeman hits your windshield.

And last but not least....

Unreal: How do amputee veterans like to fuck?

Heath: In that respect, I don't think I'm limited. Just whatever hits me and my wife at the time.

St. Louis Centre Skybridge Relocating to Loop

By Martin Van Der Werf Of the Post-Dispatch

Less than two weeks after offering to buy the St. Louis Blues and purchasing the naming rights for a juvenile colt-in-training at Fairmount Park, Riverfront Times columnist Unreal has announced the acquisition of the soon-to-be-relocated St. Louis Centre skybridge.

The terms of the transfer: $150 for the intact structure, which will be affixed on either end to the Tivoli Building (where the RFT is headquartered) and the municipal parking garage directly across Delmar Boulevard, where many of the newspaper's employees park.

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