By Ben Westhoff and Sarah Purkrabek
By Steve Brennan
By Joseph Hess
By Allsion Babka
By Kelsey McClure
By RFT Music
By Christian Schaeffer
By Gabriel San Roman
All hail Biggie Smalls, who loved it when we called him Big Poppa. Hail Tupac Shakur, whose thug ways made us forget he was in the Digital Underground. Some may say we are overstepping our bounds with this most serious critical fatwa against the Los Angeles Police Department, but it was they who stepped onto our turf first with their mangling of rappers' murder investigations. Fatwa!
This month, a wrongful death suit against the LAPD was declared a mistrial when it was learned that the department had been hiding evidence -- evidence that rogue LAPD cops pulled the trigger on Biggie Smalls. Notice that this is a wrongful death suit and not a criminal trial, as the LAPD never got around to solving the crime in the first place.
Watch out, LAPD, or you might squander all that goodwill you've built up with the minorities of your city. Can you blame the rap fans who do not trust the police, when the cops have been unable to solve the murders of Biggie, Tupac and Jam Master Jay? And now the accusations that LAPD hitmen killed Smalls -- that is very bad, LAPD! It is worse, even, than Lindsay Lohan's new single, and we dropped a fatwa on her without mercy. Your punishment must be severe. So, LAPD, until you get off your duffs and solve Biggie's murder, may you be forced to listen to new Tupac albums, featuring every flow and fart the man ever uttered, on constant repeat. It is written.