Vodka and Grapefruit

Unreal gets the lowdown on the Dirty Dog, meets plants who love a free lunch and finds a blogger who can't get enough Favre. Plus, Scientology's "volunteer ministers" are bringing relief to hurricane victims -- but not the kind you'd think.

How might we help refugees "resolve problems in all areas -- children, personal conflict, anguish or upset and emotional shock, substance abuse, learning problems...?" We gave the ol' Scientology 800 number a spin.

Volunteer Minister: Volunteer Ministers, can I help you?

Unreal: Hi there! Can I go to Louisiana with you guys if I'm not a Volunteer Minister?

We can train you. It takes about 24 hours -- 48 hours -- it depends on the person, you know. We can also train you down there.

What's it take?

The ability to communicate to people and find out what's needed and wanted.

Like, food, water and clothing?

Yeah, but we're mainly giving them "assists" -- which is something that allows people to get in the present time and function better. It also relieves built-up pains, stuff like that.

Wow, a lot of refugees are in the past? What sorts of pains?

It's not just the refugees. We help you unload. We bring in lots of trucks and stuff. We have an operation where we can use people to assist the policemen and firemen. Basically, you just have to have a communication cycle. It's not difficult. You just find out what they need and provide that assistance.

Would you hold me?

Yeah. Well, not necessarily.

No?

Mostly people need "assists" right now -- it's basically like a locational in the area; you get back into communication with the environment and get out of the past.

Sounds helpful!

Yeah. We have about 400 [volunteer ministers] on the ground and about another 400 en route.



LOCAL BLOG O' THE WEEK

"Fuck Your Couch"

fuckyourcouch.blogspot.com

Author: Alex Fritz

About the blogger:Fritz is a 25-year-old student and sports fan. He has been known to post a picture of Bob Horner "Just because I can."

Recent Highlight (August 31, 2005):"Brett Favre plays well during times of turmoil," I say.

"That's an understatemenet," you respond.

"Brett Favre is positively phenomenal when things are at their worst," I profess.

"That still doesn't quite cut it," you rebut.

"Brett Favre fucking rocks when things have gone to shit!" I exclaim.

"Exactly," you say pleased.

I have written about it before, but Brett Favre turning on the goosebumb machine after his father passed away in December of 2003 still ranks pretty damn high on my list of favorite moments in sports.

Last year the Green Bay Packers started the season 1 and 4. Dismal, pathetic, and a clear sign that the Packer's reign of the NFC North was coming to an end.

Then, on October 14, 2004, Brett Favre's wife, Deanna Favre, was diagnosed with breast cancer. This news came just eight days after Deanna's brother, Casey Tynes, was killed in an ATV accident.

Brett Favre's next game was on October 17th. And granted, it was against the lowly Detroit Lions (who haven't won a Championship since Vietnam was a French colony) but the Packers won big, 38 -10. Including that game, the Pack proceeded to run off 6 wins in a row, and finished the season winning 9 of their last 11 games. Favre finished the season with 30 TD's and over 4,000 passing yards before spontaneously self-combusting (yet again) in the playoffs.

It has now been pretty well documented that Favre, a native of Kiln, MS, and his family have been badly effected by Hurricane Katrina. Not nearly as bad as tens (if not hundreds) of thousands of others living in the Gulf, but effected negatively none the less.

Given Favre's track record for coming up big (all right, REALLY BIG) in games following his and his families personal tragedies, what should we expect from him next weekend (when he plays again against the hapless and piss-poor defense of the Lions)?

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

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