Shiver We Timbers

Yarr! Unreal's a-searchin' for booty (but, please, not those VH1 Divas Live CDs). Plus, we go gaga over a QVC pitchman and meet a local blogger who needs to get something off her chest.

How have you profited?

Once I had some roofers working on my house and they ordered too much stuff -- shingles and asphalt paper. They were loading it back onto the truck and I was like, "Wait a minute! Where are you going with that?" My wife was yelling at me to let them clean up their crap and leave. But I put it in Bargain Box and made $60 off it.

Dan Zettwoch


"Trials and Tribs of Crits"

Author: Crits

About the blogger: "I am a young, free, open, innocent, spontaneous, unpredictable, wanting-to-experience-the-world, fresh, unbiased, spunky, optimistic, loving, free spirit TRAPPED in a 31 year-old Kate Spade-buying, PB & J-making, mini-van-driving, flower-arranging, carpool-organizing, potty-training, PTA-ing, subdivision-heading, home-decorating Suburban Stereotype Body."

Recent Highlight (September 10, 2005): As for Prince Charming... through his long standing relationship with my breasts... he has seen the good (at 19), the bad (breastfeeding TWO 10-pound boys), and the ugly (end result of breastfeeding two 10 pound boys). Still... every time he gets near Them, he gets the same pre-teen-sneaking-dad's-Playboy look.

Became brutally aware of this phenomena when we hit Vegas this summer with a huge group of friends. Typically I dress on the more conservative side, but it's VEGAS!! The first night I sported a much lower cut shirt than I would ever even attempt to pull off in Midwest Suburbia and a new Miracle bra. I have to say, the bra DID work freaking MIRACLES. Even I was impressed as to what a little bra could do, as it managed to transform my sad, south-bound 31 year-old boobies into the PERFECT cleavage?! But let's face it... it's Vegas. Compared to the rest of the city... I still looked like the flying nun next door.

Regardless, the reaction was bizarre. By the end of the night, I had gone to 1st base with like 30 different people. Men had conversations with my boobs ALL evening IN FRONT OF MY HUBBY (who mind you, forgivingly sat back and shook his head as if he understood the weakness).

The pinnacle... in a drunken stupor I attempted to have a conversation with a nice Spanish man at NYNY. My drunken, broken spanish created frustration on both ends as he spoke ZERO English. I attempted to find out where he was from and what he did... met with looks of confusion and disconnect. Ironically, however, he was able to build a bridge when he managed to utilize the Male International Language by winking and stating "Nice Boobs". Are you fucking kidding me?! I swear, that is NO joke. The reaction that evening was so extreme... my girlfriend actually tried to BUY THE BRA OFF OF MY BACK. =) Ha ha

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to [email protected].

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