Money Down

Sad to say, we never got around to having our aura photographed and analyzed.

If only we'd progressed with that group to a future time, we'd have seen this coming.

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Sly and the Family Stones?

Unreal has a candle burning for our comrade-in-arms Sylvester Brown Jr. In a heart-wrenching 600-word confessional published November 3, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch columnist recounted a harrowing brush with mortality two days earlier. "While getting dressed in the morning (and I'll be discreet here), I noticed 'something,'" Brown informed readers.

Though an urgent visit to the doctor revealed that it was "probably" a false alarm, Unreal remains concerned. When it comes to life-insurance actuarial tables, "probably" doesn't crinkle-cut the pickle. Moreover, what precisely are we talking about here? Brown wouldn't reveal what potentially ails him — not in his column, and not when we contacted him for comment.

Perhaps it was out of politesse. Or perhaps stoicism.

Unreal is asking you to help solve the mystery: What's Buggin' Brown?

The columnist did supply a few clues. Probing for the feared malady, he wrote, involved "the humiliating 'turn your head and cough' thing," "the embarrassing 'bend over and relax' thing," "check[ing] my 'fluids'" and — perhaps most ominous — "more tests."

Sadly, that's all we have to go on.

If you think you know What’s Buggin’ Brown, e-mail your answer to SlyB@riverfronttimes.com

Somebody Buy My Crap

Item: OBGYN Medical Exam Table

Condition: Worn

Price: $200

Seller/Age: Marty/45

Location: West county

Phone: 314-221-7071

Issue: October 30

Unreal:Where'd you get this table?

Marty:I found it seven years ago when I was cleaning out a doctor's office. I wouldn't have taken it home if it didn't have stirrups.

What do you use it for?

Dirty little deeds. The day I brought it home, the wife and I giggled like schoolkids — all night long.

What shape is the table in?

It needs a bit of reupholstering around the edges and corners, where it's been bumped repeatedly. But let me tell you, where there's chrome it shines!

Why are you getting rid of it?

The vinyl is too cold. It takes too long to heat up. Also I just renovated the basement, and the table just doesn't fit in with the décor.

Do you think the table could be worth more than $200?

Probably. I figure I got at least that much fun out of it.

Have you had many calls?

Surprisingly, no. Thing is, if someone reupholstered it, it would make for a cool piece of furniture. At the very least it's a great conversation starter.