Exercise Is Like Opium

Unreal visits an anger-management expert. Then, feeling better, we scan the Bargain Box for a money-maker (note: not for shaking) and talk about psychiatrist-patient luv with a Scientologist (oops). Plus: the local blog of an alleged killer.

Unreal once had a shrink who looked, talked and crossed her legs exactly like Dr. Jennifer Melfi from The Sopranos. So our superego was atwitter when we got a press release about sex with shrinks from the Citizens Commission of Human Rights® of St. Louis, Inc. an entity established by the Church of Scientology "to investigate and expose psychiatric violations of human rights."

A call to executive director Roger Teagarden revealed the 411.

Unreal: Your press release says that "a woman is at greater risk of being raped while on a psychiatrist's couch than while jogging alone at night through a city park."

Roger Teagarden: Federal studies is where the information came from. Of all the psychiatrists who were surveyed in the United States, 10 percent of them — and there are 44,000 of them — admitted that they had sexual relationships with their patients. Sixty-five percent said the client was complaining about being sexually molested by their former psychiatrist. So extrapolating that data, it appears that about 3,000 women in the United States are raped per year by their psychiatrists. We don't really know, because obviously nobody will really fess up to that. We think it's probably 15 to 25 percent. In California, we're thinking it's about 51 percent.

Do you have relatives that have kids?

My parents have kids.

How would you like to have your sister molested by a teacher and that teacher is allowed to keep teaching? It's the same concept.

Doesn't the Church of Scientology basically want psychiatry abolished anyway?

No! Where did you read that?

Our information comes mostly from the Great Tom Cruise-Matt Lauer debate of '05.

You have some very bad information. Would you like to have the raw data? I'll give you the raw data.

No. So, when is it okay to seduce your shrink?

Never! And if they accept your advances, they should be reported to the police.

Who do you think was most likely to have abused the doctor/patient relationship: Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung or Frasier Crane?

No idea. I don't deal in myths.

Exercise Is Like Opium

Hazelwood seventh-grade teacher Dr. Udis Lord isn't one for short titles, and why should she be? Among her many accomplishments, the 57-year-old Filipino immigrant was named Ms. Asia International for Academic Excellence and Service to Humanities and won the U.S. Army's Award for Inspirational Contribution. She has also authored six books, the latest of which is called Dr. Lord's Excellence Education: Anger and Stress Management, Self-Esteem Development and Ethical Decision Making.

Lord took time away from teaching and wordsmithing to rap with Unreal.

Unreal: First of all, you've accomplished a great deal in your life. Congratulations!

Udis Lord: I don't think so. I look at myself as a speck of dust in this wide world. I'm a small little human being having grown up in a poor country. But I've seen a lot of suffering, and I've always had an attachment to the underdog.

Why did you choose to tackle anger management in your latest book?

As a foreigner and a woman, I experienced a lot of prejudice. Anger built inside me and I said to myself, "I will show you. I will accomplish more than you ever will." But instead of destroying with my anger, I build.

What could your book teach someone like Osama bin Laden?

First I would teach him to believe in God. But my book isn't for psychotic people. A good way to relieve anger is to build yourself to the point where you can't be hurt by people. Then you can have an attitude like: "I can chew bullets between my two front teeth. You can't touch me now."

As a former Ms. Asia International, how do you manage to do all you do and still keep a tremendous figure?

I work out seven days a week. For me exercise is like opium. I do martial arts. I don't use it for violence, except if I saw someone hurting my kids. I'd kick the hell out of them. I'd be quick and deadly and run.

What might your next book be about?

My goal is to write 25 books. Realistically I think I can write four a year. I don't know for sure what the next will be, but today I was supervising students in the hallway and they were running and screaming. I'm not saying I'm the best mother in the world, but I think a book on parenting, by a divorced mom with three kids and twenty-six-and-a-half years of teaching experience would say a lot.

Somebody Buy My Crap

Item: eBay Holiday Money Maker

Condition: New

Price: $5

Seller/Age: Greg/35

Location: Ferguson

Phone: 314-479-6307

Issue: November 13

Unreal: What exactly is a Holiday Money Maker? Can you shake it?

Greg: Huh? No. It's a CD I made. It teaches people how to use eBay.

How's it work?

It gives them advice on how to use drop-shippers and market their product. For example, if you're selling a box of matches, you'd want to describe them as "matches for lighting candles." That way people searching for "matches" or "candles" will be linked to your product.

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