By Ray Downs
By Lindsay Toler
By Bill Conroy
By Lindsay Toler
By Lindsay Toler
By Lindsay Toler
By Jessica Lussenhop
By Ray Downs
Daryl Duwe has always had a way with words. As spokesman for the Missouri GOP in 2000, the silver-tongued spin doctor made headlines when he likened State Auditor Claire McCaskill to a "cheap hooker." The ignorant masses didn't appreciate the flack's colorful fulminations, and he was compelled to step down amid widespread criticism.
So naturally, Duwe wrote a book: Borrowed Time, a steamy, self-published 328-page potboiler brimming with politics, sex and scandal.
Borrowed Time is the story of Rip Snyder, a conservative political blogger who authors "The Ripper," a newsletter "that made him famous and infamous, loved and hated, admired and despised." He's also in the throes of a surreptitious affair with Carrie Stevens, a liberal reporter with a past. Their liaison might have gone unnoticed, were it not for the fateful night when Carrie plows into three black children after borrowing Rip's truck, setting in motion a chain of events so baroque that they could only have been envisioned by a literary talent of Duwe's caliber.
The book is available for $16.95 (plus postage) at www.lulu.com. To help a fellow scribe stimulate sales, Unreal has devised the multiple-choice exercise below, designed to highlight Duwe's inimitable prose stylings. Each question is followed by three possible answers, only one of which Duwe actually wrote. Can you distinguish Duwe's diamonds amid Unreal's doggerel?
1) When presented with the tab for his and Carrie's drinks, Rip is shocked at the amount. "Don't forget," the bartender scolds, "Carrie was on the hard stuff tonight." What was Rip tempted to retort?
A) "Well, she's had a hard day."
B) "Hard stuff? You call a white wine spritzer and a dozen hot wings 'hard'? How about a fifteen-year ride on the white horse? What would you call that, Cracker?"
C) "And she'll be on something harder later on."
2) Late one evening, Rip awaits Carrie at his place. How does he intend to greet her?
A) "[W]ith a bottle of chilled Black Tower, 30 cherry-flavored candles ablaze and, of course, a platter of the Ripper's signature deep-fried oysters."
B) "[W]ith his dick in one hand and a beer in the other. 'Which do you want first?' he would ask."
C) "[B]ut he couldn't manage another hour of consciousness. A day of sea kayaking and smoking Democrats from their spider holes had left the Ripper exausted, and he drifted off while perusing the National Review."
A) "If he couldn't get the minority leader to support the Cuban exile rights amendment, his re-election bid was sure to fail. The Cubans were loyal, but even loyalty comes at a price."
B) "Jesus. I'm the Speaker of the House driving around in the rain with the nude body of my chief of staff in the trunk and a $2 million bribe bouncing around in the back seat."
C) "That cunt [Carrie] Stevens is going to blow the lid off my Disney World kickback scheme."
A) Stripping at the Pecker Palace in Sauget, Illinois, and moonlighting as a hooker at the Rub-a-Dub Hot Tub Club.
B) At the Prim Petal, a St. Louis nursery. During rose-buying trips to Colombia, she learned Spanish and fell in love with Esteban, a Colombian horticulturist trying to perfect the thornless rose.
C) At the copy-desk of the Ladue News, where she developed a taste for the high-stakes world of investigative reporting.
5) Carrie Stevens' May 15 diary entry reads:
A) "I know [House Speaker] Gonzalez is hiding something, but what? I know Rip's got the goods. If only I could get him to dish, the Pulitzer would be mine! The Cubans own Gonzalez but how?"
B) "I showed Rip my 'magic trick' tonight. It's the only good thing my mother ever did for me. When I was real young, she taught me how to exercise my vagina muscles to make them stronger. She called it her 'Happy Snappy' and I have to admit, it's pretty cool. Anyway, Rip and I had our usual good sex and after he came I started gripping and kneading him with my Happy Snappy. He never went soft and we were able to go at it again right away. The second time he came, I thought he was going to have a stroke."
C) "How can I be falling for a right wing nut like Rip? He stands for everything I hate: He's anti-immigration, pro-big business and states rights. My mind's saying no, but then I see those clear sea-blue eyes of his and my heart says yes! Yes!Yes! Take me Rip! Yes!"
ANSWERS: 1) C, 2) B, 3) B, 4) A, 5) B
Somebody Buy My Crap
Item: surveillance camera
Condition: brand new
Seller/Age: Eric, 32
Location: north county
Issue: December 12
Unreal: You say these surveillance cameras are the size of a quarter. What do you use them for?
Eric:You can put them in a tree or empty pipe in your yard for home security. I bought one to monitor an apartment complex. But then I lost my job due to corporate downsizing. Now I sell these in the Thrifty Nickel, the Bargain Box and eBay. I also sell listening devices.
You're like Q in the James Bond movies! How do your listening devices work?
They come with an antenna that you put in your pocket and a little earpiece, like on a wireless phone. Say you're at a party and want to hear what people across the room are talking about. You aim the antenna toward them and everyone just thinks you're listening to someone on the phone. They sell these in TV Guide for $19. I sell them for $10.
Do you ever worry that your spyware could be used for illicit purposes? Say, perverts placing the cameras in shower stalls?
I've never heard of that. But I know of people who've used them to catch their spouse cheating. You can put them in the bedroom real easy. They've got built-in infrared lenses and audio. You can see and hear everything. Essentially what I'm selling is information. Sometimes people like what they see. Sometimes they don't.
Haveyou used them in the bedroom?
Yeah, I've used them with [pauses to count] six women. They were into it.
Do you still have the videos?
Yeah, I watch them from time to time.
You dog! So in a sense this is the gift that keeps on giving?
Yeah, I guess. You know, info is king.
From time to time Unreal trolls the St. Louis Post-Dispatch classified section's "Bargain Box." We cannot guarantee any item remains available for purchase at press time.
LOCAL BLOG O' THE WEEK
"Nothing For Everyone"
Author: Clemy but call me Erin
About the blogger: A student in junior college, Clemy/Erin is a 26-year-old Belleville resident who says she has "zero redeemable qualities to speak of."
Recent Highlight (November 18):I'm trying to get my secret society formed but am kind of at a loss of what a secret society does after you have the hand shake and initiation down. My secret society is going to do a lot of double dutching and coupon clipping. Anyway here's the ad that is going to run for one week only in the Belleville News Democrat (the worst source for news in the entire world) after the secret society application is up and running...(I do need some questions to weed out all the uberlosers)
Finally, a secret scoiety that everyone knows about and we are now recruiting like minded semi-apathetic individuals willing to partake in thrilling (might be a stretch) and irreverent displays of indifference. REGISTERED VOTERS, YUPPIES, RACISTS, AND VANITY PLATE HOLDERS NEED NOT APPLY.
Refreshments will include Ovaltene and pimento loaf (bread not included)
First meeting will involve practicing the secret handshake and learning how to roller derby.
WINOS AND HOBOS WELCOME!
Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to firstname.lastname@example.org.