Gigli (2003)

Week of January 19, 2006

 Gigli is just as dreadful as publicized, but not for the publicized reasons. Yes, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are bad. But they're hardly the worst things about this film. The worst things about this mess of an LA gangster movie are the screenwriter (Martin Brest) and the 'tard (Justin Bartha).

First and foremost, Bartha's 'tardformance is one of the worst ever registered on the silver screen. Kidnapped from a 'tard home and held as ransom by Affleck's thug character and a bull dyke named Ricki (played by Lopez), Bartha's 'tard is a cross between Rain Man and — well, who knows? There's never been a 'tard like him, because real 'tards don't act like Bartha acts in this movie. Ever. His performance transforms an already horrible movie into one of the biggest cinematic laughingstocks of all-time.

Meanwhile, Brest's failure provides ample proof that not all directors (he helmed Beverly Hills Cop, Midnight Run and Scent of a Woman, mind you) are supposed to write scripts (the reverse is also true). Any writer who instructs J.Lo to relinquish her lesbianism by telling Affleck that "it's turkey time" and summoning him to her furburger for "some heterolingus" needs to put down the pen — for good. Gigli's biggest disappointment is that it isn't even one of those "it's so bad it's good" movies, like Battlefield Earth or Caligula. It's really, really boring, thus bombing on every bombable level. — Mike Seely

Each week the author treks to the Schlafly branch of the St. Louis Public Library, where a staff member blindfolds him and escorts him to the movie shelves. After selecting a film at random, Seely checks it out and reviews it.

 
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