The Mississippi Mirror

Unreal takes a local celeb inside our actor's studio, browses for Star Trek figurines and says hello to "The Pampered Queer."

When thespian Jeff Fischer asks whether his hometown of Creve Coeur still exists, Unreal is sorely tempted to call bullshit. After all, the Parkway Central grad was just here in November. His family never left.

Fischer's flack wanted him to talk about upcoming projects, but we were fixated on his current role in Fox's animated series American Dad! In the show, which chronicles the family life of an ultra-conservative CIA agent named Stan Smith, Fischer plays a scruffy stoner who dates Smith's eighteen-year-old daughter, Hayley.

The character's name? Jeff Fischer.

Mike Gorman

Fischer says he basically plays himself. Which is to say: a tree-hugging type imbued with "bright-eyed optimism."

Unreal: How many bong hits do you take before tape starts rolling?

Jeff Fischer: I only wish. But I'm not a method actor.

Do you drive a hybrid?

I don't, but I have a very teeny car. I have a Mini [Cooper]. And I get 38 miles to the gallon.

So you're not a protester dude?

I am. My last protest was the war in Iraq. I was out on the street. I write a lot of letters and I'm a member of True Majority.

As the character Jeff Fischer, what's it like to live in a van?

Oh, it's amazing. You have everything in front of you. You can go anywhere you want. You have your surfboard on the roof, and you can hit the waves every morning.

What's it like to crap in a can?

Takes a little getting used to.

How many have you crapped in?

More than a few. When you're living on baked beans, you always have them ready.

And you like to date teenage women?

[Laughs, (a lot). ] Oh, yes. The younger the better. Hayley was the youngest girl I've ever dated. It did turn me on that she was a stripper for a while.

Is she liberal or conservative in bed?

Completely liberal.


Well, she still won't let me bring any other girls in. But believe me, she's a dirty talker.

What would you tell an aspiring St. Louis lad who'd like to grow up and be a voiceover artist that gets to do it with a teenage cartoon?

Oh, my God. This is going the wrong way, this conversation. That sounds so — what's the word? Criminal — I have no answer to that. I'm passing. Sorry, darling.

Mississippi Mirror

Cahokia Mounds' status as a World Heritage Site, a designation it earned from the United Nations two decades ago, is belied by its surroundings. To get there from the east, visitors must pass a giant flea market, a huge flooring company showroom, warehouses and an abandoned gas station. From the west they pass a race track, a handful of seedy bars and a trailer park. Buying more of the surrounding properties would not only preserve important archeological sites, it would make this underappreciated jewel a more attractive destination. The mounds, and the impressive interpretive center built there, could be an economic engine for a part of the region that has struggled with poverty and pollution.

from the St. Louis Post Dispatch, February 20, 2006

The Gateway Arch's status as a national monument, a distinction it earned from the National Park Service four decades ago, is belied by its surroundings. To get there from the east, visitors must pass East St. Louis, a garish nightclub billboard promoting dollar shots and a Slayer cover band; scores of abandoned riverfront warehouses with cracked windows and feces-strewn sidewalks, an empty office building that resembles an air traffic control tower, and an all-but-abandoned riverfront held hostage by a bankrupt casino and scores of barely legal inebriates from the county.

From the west they pass a double-wide masquerading as an Amtrak station, a baseball stadium, a handful of seedy bars, half-empty shopping malls and a pair of disco-era highrises that make Cabrini-Green look like the Trump Tower. Encouraging cohesive, mixed-use development on more of the surrounding properties would make this underappreciated jewel a more attractive destination — for St. Louis residents. The Arch, and the impressive interpretive center built there, could be an economic engine for a part of the region that has struggled with poverty and desertion.

Somebody Buy My Crap

Item: Star Trek action figures and 12" Enterprise NX01

Condition: Good
Price: $25
Name/Age: Joe/21
Location: Overland
Phone: 314-867-2340
Issue: February 22

Unreal: Tell us about your Star Trek collectibles.

Joe: They're from the television show Star Trek Enterprise. I started collecting them because I was a fan of the show. But now they take up too much space. I'd rather have cash in my pocket.

But in selling all your Star Trek stuff, aren't you at all worried that when the Enterprise lands on Earth, the crew of the ship will have no way of identifying you as friend or foe?

Uh, I don't know how to answer that. I just collected the stuff. I bought them cheap on eBay and at Target.

During their time controlling the galaxy, who do you think bagged more extraterrestrial female life forms? Captain Jonathan Archer, Captain Jean-Luc Picard or the original out-of-this-world hunk, Captain James Kirk?

Heck, I don't know. Jean-Luc Picard?

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