Head Cheesed

[Laughs.] That's fine. We get that a lot. About a year and a half ago, I came to this program with a severe addiction to methamphetamines, prescription pain pills and marijuana. I'd lost everything. I didn't think that any program would help me get my life back. But the bottom line is that this program works with a 76 percent success rate. I don't know much about the Scientology aspect.

So you're not a Scientologist?

No.

If you were, we were gonna ask you to rank these evils from one to five (one being the worst and five the least worst): Illegal drugs, psychiatry, masturbation, binge drinking and South Park.

I'd give illegal drugs a one. I hate South Park, so I'd have to give that a one. It's hard for me to rank those things. Why do you guys make fun of Scientology? That's my question.

Which Scientology-front organization do you think will send us a press release next?

We're not a Scientology-front organization! You're cracking me up. And — we're not a Scientology-front organization.

Local Blog O' the Week

"Yeah, but Houdini didn't have these hips"

sarahlynn.blogspot.com
Author: Sarahlynn
About the blogger: Sarahlynn works in the publishing industry and is also "a feminist, a liberal, and mom to an amazing little girl with Down syndrome." Her husband's name is Paul.

Recent Highlight (March 13): The Parenting Olympics

And now, a summary of the medal count to date.

Event: Going to Sleep

Despite Sarahlynn's early superiority in this area given her breasts body type, Paul has emerged as the stronger competitor in this event.

Event: Potty Training

Despite Ellie's the fans' strong support of Paul, Sarahlynn pulls ahead with consistency and enthusiasm. Neither competitor is performing at Olympic levels here, I'm afraid. Hopefully we'll soon see a big improvement.

Event: Coping while Tired

This competition has been fierce in places (cough cough) but Sarahlynn emerges the clear victor. Judging is closed and no disputes are currently being heard.

Event: Balancing Career and Motherhood (some categories are single-sex)

There is a strong showing in this category by the women Sarahlynn works with, and it has been decided via consensus that no single gold medal will be awarded. Instead, all the women will pool their resources for group lunches and the occasional happy hour.

Event: Enriching Activities

Sarahlynn took an impressive early lead in this category, but lately both contestants have been floundering. Neither seems motivated and both seem exhausted. I don't think they're in the proper shape for such a long-haul event. Frankly, they're competing for the bronze.

Northern Sun Olympic Moment:

[insert 2-part, emotionally manipulative editorial shot in warm lighting and soft focus profiling the amazing job Paul's and Sarahlynn's parents did in their day. Conclude with tearful modern-day contestants revealing their fears that they are doing but a pale comparison of what their parents did before them.]

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