Race Goggles

Unreal gets liquored up and starts demanding tasteless jokes. And in unrelated news, we talk teen sex with a Seattle sexologist and check out the locker room at the new Busch.

It really is. They're really a bunch of fruitcakes. Cite me on that.


Mike Gorman

Meet the New Busch

Same as the old Busch.

As we leaned way forward, tilted our head to the side and beheld the pristine sward for the umpteenth time during last Monday's home opener, it occurred to Unreal that watching a Cardinals game from the second tier of Busch III's press box is very much like watching a Cardinals game from the second tier of Busch II's press box, only with a more comfortable chair.

Other notable first impressions of the Redbirds v.2006: The SportService vendors' new outfits make them look like killer bees. And switch-hitting benchwarmer Scott Spiezio is our new favorite playa, by virtue of the flavor-saver that sprouts incongruously from his chin — and the fact that he's dyed it Cardinal red.

In the home team's posh new clubhouse after the game, we found ourselves caught in a clutch of Japanese reporters awaiting So Taguchi's arrival. Lulled by the soothing cadence of their (to us) unintelligible banter, we were jerked out of our reverie when the chatter suddenly became significantly more animated. Looking around, we expected to see So emerging from the shower. Instead we saw Mark Mulder's heinie disappearing into a pair of designer jeans. Seems our brethren from across the Pacific need to add a new concept to their stateside phrasebook: going commando.

Local Blog O' the Week

"Officially Over"
Author: Nate

About the blogger: "I am a man in my twenties going to school in Saint Louis, Missouri. I've tried keeping up on trends in fashion, the arts, and on the Internet, but I always seem to get wind of something just as the backlash forms. Recently, I've started to believe that I will remain just outside of the core of trend-setters for the forseeable future. Therefore, I know that any cultural phenomenon reaching me is Officially Over, and I can report on it so the rest of the world will know too."

Recent Highlight (March 13): Million Dollar Idea number 006

Suppose you're a spy, and when you have to go on the run you cut your long hair and possibly your beard to make people less likely to recognize you and to make descriptions of you inaccurate. If you're captured, though, the enemy might look closely at your scalp and see that it's not so tan as the rest of your face. Then they'll know you recently went from long to short hair. You can avoid this embarrassing situation with my new invention: the under-hair scalp tanner. It's a set of comb-shaped devices that slide under your hair, sit next to your scalp, and deliver ultraviolet light of just the right intensity to make your scalp match your face.

(March 20) The Smiths fail to become the new Pixies

I just read on MSNBC that the Smiths won't have a reunion concert, which was going to happen at Coachella Valley. Morrissey said so at South by Southwest, and regarding the five million bucks offered, he said "money doesn't come into it." I can only assume that he means the Smiths refuse to make Coachella the new cool place for alt-rock/indie-rock reunions.

As a side note, God I really hate people who go to SxSW, because they never shut up about how great it is. Those people suck. I wish I was one of them.

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to [email protected].

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