Bean Crud

Unreal gets a headache over potential Botoxing. Plus, we put our carnivorous tendencies aside to pen an anti-meat poem.

Sherman studies us, hazards a guess at our age (25 to 30) and declares: "You look quite pleasant!"

No droopy frown lines or etchings. Skin tone: good. Plus, some people have a "1," or an "11," or even a "11,111" between their eyes, according to Sherman. Unreal? Zilch.

Sherman speaks of choosing a "master injector" (such as herself) for Botox treatments and shows off before and after photos galore. Soccer moms, a dentist, a preacher, a fellow eye surgeon. And on and on.

"Why do you keep looking at our mouth?" Unreal asks.

Eureka! Turns out we purse our lips when we listen — which mightcause some droopy frown lines in a few years' time.

At the end of our 50-minute analysis, Sherman says she's had a ball. Unreal, however, is feeling a tad tuckered. It ain't exactly a palm reading.

"Have you ever wanted to read another body part?" we ask innocently.

"I'm not going there!" squeals Dr. Deborah Dale Detail.

See, ever since "Sultan of Skin," Kristen Hinman's RFT cover story about plastic surgery, we've been, um, preoccupied with a body part called the pannus, a flap of belly skin that results when formerly obese folks shed mondo poundage. "My editor was wondering if you could read the pannus," Unreal blurts.

"You tell her," says Sherman, leaning forward, "I only set my sights above the neck."

Probably smart.

Local Blog O' the Week "Marrio Gardner's Blog"
myspace.com/jtownrepresenta
Author: Marrio Gardner
About the blogger: Marrio is 25, a Jennings resident, the youngest of six brothers, and a writer for inBoxmagazine. [For more on inBox see this week's "Yo! RFT Raps" column in the music section.]

Recent Highlight (March 31): As the casino was closing, There was about 15-20 guests requesting their vehicles from valet. Mind you, the supervisor let most of the people leave early, so I was bringing up all the cars by myself. Some of the guests had attitudes, which I understood, but they kept some of their comments to a minimum.

Then, it came time for me to bring around the white ladies car, I first apologized for the wait. By her physical actions, I could tell she didn't care about what I said. When I apologize, I really mean it because I'm human too, so I know how service can be too. Evidently, this lady still thinks of blacks as "five percenters." I reacted to her attitude by saying, "Wow!" And I guess I touched a nerve. She started cursing and called me a fucker and all. I started to run down to get the next car and she circled around to where I was at and said, "FUCKING NIGGER!"

*sigh* now... the first thing I thought about doing was some San Andreas type shit. That stuff was SO 1960's of her. I guess I'll never understand racist white folks. Their ancestors brought us over here, they hosed us down, hung us, allowed us to have equal rights after fighting back for centuries. Now that we are showing some success in their system, they get jealous and envious. And on Dr. Kings birthday they yell, "HAPPY NIGGER DAY!"

But you know what? At this casino, the black people act cool while the white people are the ones causing the commotions, starting fights, getting drunk and throwing up all over the place and screaming "WOOOOO!" So you do the math.

five percenters, niggers, coons, 5/8 of a person, monkies, whatever! PISS ON THE CONSTITUTION AND BURN THE MAGNA CARTA!! Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog?
Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.
Somebody Buy My Crap
Item: Brett Hull cardboard cutout
Condition: Like new
Price: $100
Name/Age: Darren/37
Location: South County
Phone: 314-845-8432
Issue: April 30
Unreal:A life-size cutout of Blues great Brett Hull! Have we died and gone to hockey heaven? Darren: Well, it's not entirely life-sized. His head is probably life-sized, but his body is kind of shrunken. It's a promotional item they had at McDonald's back in 1994.

So you lifted this thing from a Mickey D's?Oh, no! I used to work for a printing company. It went out of business and people just took whatever they wanted. I took this. It's been stored in the closet for a dozen years. It's in real good shape.

Do you think Hull should enter the Hall of Fame wearing the Blue Note?Definitely. Even though he won his Stanley Cups with other teams, his best playing days were here. When he was teamed with Adam Oates, the two were amazing.

Speaking of Hull and Oates, do you have a favorite song by blue-eyed-soul phenoms Hall and Oates?Jeez, I don't know.

"Private Eyes"? "Maneater"? "Kiss on My List," perhaps?[Silence.]

OK, we'll put you down for "I Can't Go for That (No Can Do)." But tell us, do you think Brett Hull's retirement last year might increase the value of this cutout?I hope so. That's why I put it up for sale at $100.

But since you didn't pay for it, anything you make on it would be profit. Right?Yeah. It's pretty much free money.

So the phone has rung off the hook, huh?No. You're the first caller. But tell your readers the price is negotiable. I'd appreciate that.

From time to time Unreal trolls the St. Louis Post-Dispatch classified section's "Bargain Box." We cannot guarantee any item remains available for purchase at press time.

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