So Hot!

Unreal tries a few smooth lines on Pat O'Brien's comely colleague, takes a ride down everyone's favorite redundant roadway and checks out 500 kid's-meal toys (grease-free).

When an LA publicist offered face time with Victoria Recaño, how could Unreal say no? Not only is the 29-year-old Sunset Hills native muy guapa, she works alongside Pat O'Brien as a correspondent on the TV tabloid show The Insider.

That's would be the same Pat O'Brien who made even Unreal blush last year when filthy voicemails he left for a female acquaintance became the rage of the Internet.

Unreal: At the risk of being incredibly forward, Mrs. Recaño, can we just say: "You are so fucking hot! So...fucking...hot! We just want to get crazy with you. Just go crazy!!"

Victoria Recaño: Oh, my God!!! You don't know how many of my friends have teased me about that.

So you're aware of the cell phone calls your colleague made last year?

Uh, yeah! But on the show we kind of have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I essentially know what everyone else does. At the time of the incident, our producers were like, "We're going to pull through this, and Pat is going to go into rehab."

While working forAccess Hollywood, O'Brien allegedly offered to masturbate in front of a producer. He never came onto you on the set ofThe Insider?

No. In fact, I have a really good relationship with him. I think Pat is a great guy. He was just in an unfortunate set of circumstances. He's one of the best people in the business.

What about Kathie Lee Gifford? You also work with her. Doesn't she drive you nuts?

She is extremely courteous and genuine. Her kids are her life, and I can respect that.

Speaking of celebrity talking heads, you once worked for KPLR-TV (Channel 11) as a member of the "Team 11" kids' club and later as a news reporter. Did Rich Gould ever hit on you?

No! I was a kid. I was around twenty. Why? Is there something I should know about Rich?

Not at all! But don't you think, given his good looks and charisma, that he should be in Hollywood interviewing the stars à la Pat O'Brien?

I don't know. He has a faamily here. So I think he's pretty settled. This is a great place to raise a family.

So when can we expect you to return to St. Louis?

Hollywood is pretty nice. I fly first class. I have a car service with a driver. I have a dressing room and office in the Paramount Studios. I have an assistant. I could be there for a while. Look at Mary Hart. She's in her 24th season.

Yeah, but youth and beauty don't last forever. They no longer show her legs onEntertainment Tonight. When your ankles swell, will you come back?

I'll come back and be a feature reporter for the local news. How's that?

You are so fucking hot!

Road Rage

Recently drivers were greeted with a new sign to herald the return of Forest Park Parkway. "Forest Park Parkway," it read — dashing Unreal's fervent hope that the occasion of reopening the thoroughfare would permit the city to correct the needling redundancy once and for all. Forest Park Parkway? Why not Forest Park Boulevard, for criminy's sake? Or Forest Park Highway? Or Forest Park Freeway?

Actually, for the eastern 3.8 miles of its length — from Grand Boulevard to Kingshighway Boulevard (Kingshighway Boulevard? Another redundancy!) — the road is labeled Forest Park Avenue. West of Kingshighway you're on Forest Park Parkway. (A stretch west of Skinker Boulevard used to be called Millbrook Boulevard, but a few years ago St. Louis County changed it to...Forest Park Parkway, the name it carries to completion at Interstate 170.)

"Generally speaking," explains Steve Runde, commissioner of traffic for the city of St. Louis, "a boulevard is just a larger street. The hierarchy would be street, avenue, boulevard. Parkway, a lot of times, would be used when there are grass islands in the middle. And a freeway — the general term is used when there is limited access, when you don't let driveways in and that kind of stuff.

"As far as naming of streets," Runde adds, "Forest Park Parkway, Forest Park Avenue, Boulevard — all that was done in the 1800s, when the city streets were named. I don't know of any rhyme or reason why the name switched from one to another."

If this is, as some insist, the new St. Louis, why should we settle into complacency? (Who among us doesn't remember "Olive Street Road"?)

It won't be long before work commences on the overhaul of Highway 40, whereupon Forest Park Parkway will become a major east-west artery. While the bolts are still loose on the new signs, let us consider the future. New surface, new sign, new central artery, newly asserted urbane sophistication:

Ladies and gentlemen, we offer you Forest Park Way. Somebody Buy My Crap

Item: 500 Fast Food Toys
Condition: Grease free
Price: $200
Name/Age: Len/44
Location: West County
Phone: 314-997-3621
Issue: June 21

Unreal: Five hundred fast food toys? Did you rob a McDonald's?

Len:Nah. We got them the old-fashioned way: one toy at a time. They're from my kids' Happy Meals. We collected them from about 1987 to 1997. The actual number is closer to 1,000 toys. I'm selling them in two batches.

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